Night of the Living Dead: Resurrection
Has got to be one of the worst things I’ve ever watched. I’ve seen some horrible shit before but this fucking dumb thing takes the cake. First of all, you’re fucking lazy. Night of the Living Dead: Resurrection?? Seriously?? That’s what you came up with?? It’s not at least the same but the routes they went with this movie were so much worse than the original could ever dream of.
It starts off with this bunch of hoodlums being jackasses essentially. Bullying people who walk by. One of them gets bit, and a black guy (named ‘Ben’ by the way) comes up and makes his appearance and then drives off to help his family in the country.
He drives and drives and arrives at this farm house in the middle of the night for some reason. He kills off a couple of zombies with some blunt weapon, he then knocks on the door to see if anyone is home, so they can help him.
For his troubles…he gets shot in the chest. Bye, Ben…sorry we wasted about the last 10 minutes of the movie on you just for you to be shot and also gives a horrible introduction to the people we’re gonna see the rest of the movie.
Yep, the family that shot a human without even questioning why he was screaming or talking whatsoever until after they shot him. Meet the dad, I don’t give a fuck to remember what everyone’s names are so I’ll just call them by what they fucking are. But anyway, meet the dad, he has crazy ass eyebrows that will distract you from everything he ever says because you can’t keep your eyes off his big goofy eyebrows.
And his son and law, let’s just call him Jackass…you’ll know why I’ll call him that soon enough.There’s also Grandpa, who needs to hurry up and die. There’s Mom, who’s a classic yodeler when she gets upset. Big Sister, the woman who is married to Jackass. Slut Sister, the little sister to Big Sister and is a revolting slut…and revolting human being. There’s also…um, let’s just call him Goth Shit…cause he’s a goth teenage boy who is only goth cause he has no personality so he just finds something else to latch onto to give the illusion of being independent. He dies first anyway, so who gives a shit?
Anyway, they’re all whining and crying. Find out that Goth Shit is sick because he was bitten and didn’t bother to tell anyone (this is why he dies first, he’s an idiot). So they lock him into the bathroom, but not before he bites Asshole. So we all know Asshole will die at some point, this is good…it just takes forever to happen. But even being knowingly bitten, he stills clangs on to the fact that he’ll be alive to be a father. Because you know, Big Sister is pregnant and pretty much about to pop at any time.
But anyway, we find out during private conversation with Slut Sister and Asshole that they’re been…guess what? Having an affair! Awesome. A seemingly 16 year old girl is having sex with 25 year old looking brother-in-law. That’s cute, isn’t it? And she also, wants to fool around after her brother turned into a zombie, and her family is in all of the other rooms of the same house. So, she’s not only heartless and slutty…she’s also dumb too! Mom over hears this and is pretty pissed, as you could imagine. But she holds back from a stern talking to, just yet. We’ll get that soon.
But Grandpa turns out he’s a zombie now too…how did it happen?? No clue. So Grandpa and Goth Shit are now zombies being locked into different rooms by themselves. Dad goes off and tries to go to a town to get some help.
And this is where it gets retarded…he is driving in the country and finds a renegade group of hoodlums…including 1 of them from the beginning…who seems to be the leader. Their’s about 10 of them, all sporting blunt instruments of some kind. They decide to take the Dad from the car and run him over with it multiple times………
Yeah…..Why??? It’s never really said. They’re just crazy I guess????? I have no clue. It serves no fucking purpose. It’s a fucking zombie movie. Not a teenage vagrant movie. So yeah, they’re in the movie now.
And they take a visit to the farm house where Dad came from to harass the people who live there too. Goody…we get to see more of these stupid characters that absolutely have no purpose or contribute anything to the movie or plot. Apparently the film makers couldn’t think of a way to kill off Dad, in a different way. Cause this is a zombie movie…how could Dad die?? Is a zombie horde a good way to kill off Dad? I’m not sure…I’d have to check.
But by the way, Big Sister gave birth and it’s never really shown…but it is a zombie baby. And I was just up in arms with this stunt. Really?? You know what a zombie baby does for a zombie movie? Do you know it’s purpose?? It’s for when you ran out of scares and anything to entertain the audience is just run dry so you just come up with something ridiculous to try and salvage what’s left so you create a zombie baby.
Oooooooh, scary!!! A zombie baby!! How scary!! Gross too! A zombie baby!! What is this world coming to when there’s zombie babies?!!
It’s never shown by the way and they spend about what felt like 5 minutes uncovering the blankets that were piled on it so we could see what the dumb zombie baby looked like, but the blankets just kept coming, slowly, centimeter by centimeter being uncovered to reveal the baby. But that moment never comes, it’s just implied that there’s something wrong with it and we never see it. GOOD JOB, FILM MAKER!! WAY TO PAY OFF THAT ONE!!!
It was a retarded idea to begin with but at least pay it off for the audience sake if you’re gonna do it. At least get that part right!
Mom does finally give a stern talking to to the Slut Sister and Asshole. Her voice is all over the place. She’s doing some anger yodeling and it takes a long time to finally kick Asshole out of the house. He claims he’ll come back for help, he promises even. But he doesn’t see he’s surrounded by zombies and we never see him again when they close the door.
Big Sister dies too somehow. I don’t even remember if they showed it or even mentioned it…but it wasn’t important enough to recollect anyway. So Mom and Slut sister hide in a shed…but not before all of the hoodlums get killed by zombies. Which by the way…WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU THINK WAS GONNA HAPPEN, KIDS?!?! You’re running around in the dark with no flashlight, surrounded and outnumbered heavily to zombies…WHAT DID YOU THINK WAS GONNA HAPPEN?? So obviously…these hoodlums truly meant nothing to the movie.
Anyway, morning comes…a small group of men drive by the house. All camouflaged like they’re some rednecks…except this movie was filmed in England…so they’re more a like us then they claim to be apparently. They’re trying to be like us and they suck at it, they’re not even good at sucking as hard as we do here in the US. Like what’s worse, being as bad as the US, or not even good at sucking properly??
They yank the mom and slut sister out, and they are immediately repugnant. They claim that the mother has been bitten but never explain where so they shoot her anyway. They decide to keep Slut Sister, and as the leader eloquently put it, “Put her in the rape van.”
END OF MOVIE!! That’s how this movie ends.
What a piece of shit. Shit would admit this shit stinks. Maggots watch humans watching this and they go “What the fuck is their problem? Why would they do that to themselves?”
This is a complete…FUCK! It’s a disaster in every way possible. It all sucks, everything sucks 1000 times over. Fuck you, movie and fuck anyone who made this! Everything that could go wrong…went fucking wrong. It’s an abomination and it needs to be destroyed.
-5 Fucking Stars!!