Wizard of As: Warriors of the Wasteland Review

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The electro tapping of of the musical keyboard leads you into a full frenzied adrenaline rush for the ages…well not really. It lets you know you’re watching a movie from the 80’s and it’s gonna be a bumpy ride. As I also I notice that almost every crew member for this film has a name that ends in an ‘I’ or an ‘O’ so I’m supposing a lot of rigatoni was on the catering table.Placing in 2019 AD…after the nuclear halocaust . Folks checking a radio to find a signal that some feel don’t exist.

The entire local group we begin with has the their town set in a circle of cars. Gremlins, Pintos, Mercury Lynx’s you know, what was cool at the time. Like somehow we didn’t evolve cars between 1983 and 2019. Oh but wait. A group of maniacal badasses with souped up golf carts live beyond the others with the giant impaling spikes in the front grills, lawnmower blades the swerve on the sides, dirt bikes but not to mention the hair styles of the future.

Razored goatees and cinnamon bun craniums. Wearing outfits with oversized shoulder pads that make stormtrooper outfits seem confident & dignified. The Templars as they are called, circle this group of wastelanders like a tribe of indians surrounding a gang of old settlers in their covered wagons.

The guns have apparently evolved nicely with the old fashioned rifles with laser sounds that 5 year olds would make when playing cops and robbers. “Pew Pew Pew, Pow Pow Pow.” But when shot in the face, just some minor redness and irritation. Like you just injected the russian crocodile drug with instant physical results. Grenades with oversized dynamite fuses. Oh yeah did I mention the carts have cannons and flame throwers?

10 minutes in…decapitation for the first time with no spurting blood or really…any blood. Clean hit.

The Templars tear a book of the Jerusalem Bible which books apparently started the whole apocalypse? Really? Not atomic energy or radiation? Ya know, like Little Boy and Fat Man? Civilization is what these wastelanders cannot find but of course, they never tried looking so they just assume it doesn’t exist. If you can’t see it…it doesn’t exist is the Templars ideology.

Men in ape costumes search the wreckage of this once sort of proud community for….umm…..I don’t know. Why are they there? But a car approaches, with a half spherical glowing, sunroof. A skull is shown in the front fender, which you will be reminded it’s there quite often. The driver is the savior of hope. Kills the monkey suited thugs and finds a survivor which somehow the thugs did not. The survivor talks about how there is not reason for living anymore, existence is useless more emo mumbo jumbo. Survivor is asking to be killed…the savior humors him and shoots him, but he misses and leaves him there to rot for being so damn negative about existence.

He arrives at a spot, suddenly gets shot at by an unknown assailant with metal balls from a slingshot. Turns out it’s a little kid fixes cars and they’re friends…they were just playing. What if the kid was killed? You’d have no friends to help tune up your car but most of all your only playmate is dead because you horse around too rough. The kids also dresses like Amelia Arheart for whatever reason as well. The kid finds an ear in the radiator, so the future is just a recall to Blue Velvet.

Cut to The Templars chasing an armored ice cream truck for bomb pops and creamcicles. The flamethrower ignites inside of the vehicle and a woman jumps out, then the driver who gets impaled in the crotch, nice dude…real nice. I know it’s the apocalypse but there are some places you don’t kill a man. The Templars catch a woman with a net and drag her around behind the running car. The savior shoots the net and the woman is let go. We find that the savior is named Scorpion. He chit chats with the Templars and leaves with the chick. Such a dirty face, but she takes off her goggles and it turns out it’s just a 5 ‘o clock shadow (this movie is from Italy after all.)

To ease the upcoming sexual tension, Scorpion puts on some music in from a small cube attached to the radio (iCube?).

One, of the king of the Templars doesn’t want Scorpion dead unless he gets his pride and soul.

Fred Williamson shows up (I bet he’s proud of this movie).

But anyway, this woman finds out Scorpion wants to help her and not take advantage of her womanness. She is pretty good looking I must say, but she’s pretty easy to get into a clear, blow up tent and make love to. Since Scorpion just happens to own one and gets her to lay down naked by the fire.

Mako is a hungry killer for the Templars and just wants to kill everyone and take over. He attempts to kill scorpion himself with a few lackeys to assist. But are quickly laid out with the help of Nadir’s (Fred Williamson) exploding arrows. Scorpion kills Mako with his own vehicle. Apparently Scorpion is a one man show, doesn’t want help from anyone.

Mako has indeed a dignified funeral lying on a metal hammock wearing nothing but a studded codpiece.

More small civilizations are shown purely made of shiny metal, cars, and scraps. The Mayor is dressed as Clint Eastwood from A Fistful of Dollars. The people of this village are christians. Because after the apocalypse people still believe that god will show up eventually.

So the Templars FINALLY start looking for Scorpion after the king One has wished that they take their time so they can torture him instead of just kill him. If you’re a bad guy…you gotta have shitty plans with holes the size of the ozone layer.

Nadir happens to find the only other black woman in the world. Lucky him, she flirts poorly though. All she has to point out is Nadir is a “healthy guy”. Nadir is gonna stay around and get laid and let Scorpion go on his own, they’ll catch up later because Nadir always finds Scorpion anyway.

The Templars finally catch Scorpion after many deaths and time wasted. They BDSM Scorpion down and One rapes Scorpion. If he isn’t, it really looks like it…they edited it to look so. Don’t know if it was intentional or unintentional. So they leave Scorpion there chained up and still alive so he could just get away like usual (did the Templars watch any James Bond movies?) 3 remaining Templars stay with Scorpion for dragging him behind a car but Nadir is not far behind watch their every move. Exploding arrows take care of it. So now Scorpion is safe with Nadir but the town where they left the woman is under attack.

They’re back with the little blonde greasemonkey. Nadir is healing Scorpion and letting him know he needs help and not to be such a selfish dickhead.

The Templars line up the remaining villagers for a slaughter. The squad of black guy, dickhead, and blonde boy are getting ready for a battle with a huge van full of spinning wheels and other flashy nonsense. Even a rear windshield that has immunity to explosives which the little boy enjoys so much it makes him giggle like a small toddler.

One listens to boring poetry which explains his poor choice of language and performance of speaking.

Scorpion has always been powerful and very dangerous but since he was raped he lost his skills of killing.

A trap of a car being driven by dead Templars shows that the battle for apocalyptic land supremacy has begun.

Shadow finally sees a figure behind the fire, it is our hero the selfish dickhead. One decides to chit chat instead of killing and just get this matter over with. A standoff is held, everyone watching in tepid suspense. One shoots twice and hits Scorpion both times, but huzzah!!! Scorpion wears bubble tupperware armor. Shots fired between Templars and Scorpions helpers while Shadow shoots 3 villagers, but Scorpion shoots Shadow so that’s over anyway. Battle rages on between the Templars and black guy and little blonde boy and eventually they defeat the remaining members of the Stormtrooper rejects. A chase scene between Scorpion and One is on…One is easily defeated with a huge spinning drill from behind, crashing into a canyon wall and exploding off into film obscurity.

So in the end, Nadir gets black chick, Scorpion gets italian girl and adopting the blonde kid. They all live happily after until the toxic radiation that fills the land takes their toll on everyone and they all die from multiple sicknesses.

Time Stopping Quote:
One (King of the Templars): “The world is dead…it raped itself.”

What Did We Learn From This:

  • In the future, Ford makes optional car accessories that can massacre thousands.
  • The Road Warrior storyline happened in Italy too, just wasn’t as interesting or memorable.
  • Electro music isn’t as cool as it sounded in the 80’s.
  • Green glowing tents are beloved by many italian women
  • Black guy + black chick = fucking