Lilliputian Size Review: The Raid: Redemption

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Lets start with a mutha fuckin’ bang. I personally feel…this movie is the best action movie I have ever seen. I have seen some kick ass action movies but this movie kicked them all in the legs, snapped their elbow, stabbed them in the shoulder and shot them 3 times in the face.
It reminds me of the ending battles to Game of Death…but obviously modernized. If you haven’t seen Game of Death, please do. But the confrontation in the end of that is Bruce Lee’s character needs to go into a pagoda restaurant and on the upper floors are traps laid out for him and he must fight his way up to get to the man he wants.
In The Raid, a group SWAT team is going into a 15 story apartment that is mostly filled with drug addicts, criminals, and just all around menaces to society to capture the leader. The leader in control of this building is a huge underground criminal mastermind who orders his tenants to destroy the SWAT team invading their leaders building…and let the chaos begin.
Firefights to the max and fast paced hand to hand combat is pretty much the rest. But it never gets old and things are getting more intense almost every minute. Every step closer, the levels get more difficult.
The film is done so well. The action is insane and over the top but not exactly so much that isn’t possible. It’s filmed a lot better than the modern North American action movie, where the fight scenes are extreme close ups and every punch landed the camera cuts. Not this one, choreographed fighting and you can see every second of it without feeling nauseous.
Mad Dog is my favorite character. He’s tiny, scrawny, and just scraggley. But he will kick your ass to the death without using a weapon. He has 2 incredible fight scenes and is just so fast and quick minded with his fists and legs that it seems impossible for you to take him down. His strength is lacking…but his stamina, speed, and will to kill more than makes up for it. If I had anyone to back me up in a fight, I choose him. Not Brock Lesnar, not the Hell’s Angels, not the Van Buren Boys, not even Chuck Norris….Mad Dog is my backup and I wouldn’t even have to help. Just watch him kick your asses and wait for you to apologize for cutting in front of me in the lunch line. Dick!

Rating: 5 Mad Dogs (which equal 10 Chuck Norris’…suck on that)

Lilliputian Size Reviews: Spring Breakers

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I’m gonna start off by saying…I like Harmony Korine. Kids, Gummo, and Trash Humpers I’m a fan of (especially Gummo). But I didn’t dig this too much. Slow moving, repetitive, and showing tits and ass to show well….tits and ass. But hey that’s fine, there were a lot of nice butts and boobs. But it was like ok, lets go on to plot now please. I swear the line “Spring break, spring break, spring break forever” was repeated at least 30 times.
James Franco was the guy that made this movie somewhat worth it to me. His grimy little character (Al-ien) was funny to watch and was just so ridiculously slimy but you couldn’t help but laugh. A combination of just him and that his character was funny.

“Look at all my SHIT!!”

It was filmed well, effects were cool, I’m a fan of film noir style colored lights. Makes it seem comic book like. But the story and plot were just too slow and I got bored easily just waiting for something to happen. The ending wasn’t awful…but it was rushed it seemed like.
I kind of wondered sometimes (day dreaming really) that what would I be doing in these crazy parties at South Florida during a college spring break. Would I be getting some poon? Maybe. How shy would I be? Not sure. Probably would break out of my shell fairly quickly. I’m a competitive guy, wanna do something crazy? I’ll show you a crazy mothafucka (cause I’m the shit, yo). Well…I guess the question is…does it make you wanna go on spring break?
Not really, well…….maybe? Who knows. But probably not….but let’s not rule it out. I doubt it though.

Rating: 2-AND-A-HALF Vanessa Hudgens’ss (which half?)

Lilliputian Size Reviews: Chernobyl Diaries

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I must say to start off the idea of a horror movie based in Chernobyl has a ton of potential but of course, a good idea given to people holding a camera who have no new ideas of their own never ends well. The creepiness factor is at a high due to the unknown assailants whom you never really see or very very little of (which is better than just flat out showing them and each of them having personalities and individual agendas which has become a horror cliche of it’s own). So this film went back to basics and just not really showing you who is trying to get these people which makes the horror factor go up on the scare scale. If you know the history and have seen pictures of Chernobyl, it is quite a creepy place with traumatic history. But the plot surrounds some jackass and his little brother visiting there for fun with 2 lady friends, an expendable couple, and their “experienced” tour guide. Obviously knowing any horror movie…that’s a mistake. So blame everything on the older brother throughout the movie whenever you’re getting frustrated with typical movie victim stupidity and just where they end up. The story and characters are one dimensional but like I said the creepiness factor is high. The film is very dark (no, not because it’s a horror movie) but because it’s hard to see a lot of the time once they arrive to their designated area. This is one of those movies where you cannot dissect it too much, just watch it and try to enjoy it for what it is (an unintelligible horror movie cliche). I tell you this because the ending is very anti-climactic with no answer other than being a twist(?) just for the sake of being a twist(?). So enjoy the creepy atmosphere, darkly unknown assailants, and tension build but attempt to sit through just another horror movie that means nothing to horror history and is nothing special all around.

Rating: 2 Dead Russian Tour Guides

Lilliputian Size Reviews: Slaughtered Vomit Dolls

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I’ve seen some crazy movies. But this had moments of deranged behavior, and gross moments. But I personally found it hard to watch in a different way than most people’s usual complaint of horrid acts on screen. I depict it as ‘BORING AS HELL’. I like this kind of stuff…but the images went WAY to fast to comprehend what you even saw and then by the time you know what it was…but there were 14 more shots you’ve missed due to thinking about the one. Even films like Gummo and Trash Humpers (Like random shots and disturbing images? Those are for you) have a certain plot or story. It may be small, but it’s something. This was random shot, after random shot, and what do you know…another random shot. Even the more horrifying shots get old. Some lasting half a second, some lasting 30 seconds. But it doesn’t stop, until you see her as a child walking away on an old VHS Camera. I wanted parts to just move on, but they kept going and going. Back and forth, back and forth. It’s ok sometimes to do that, but let people get what they are seeing first before you switch. Being so redundant that it becomes VERY QUICKLY unappealing to the eye and brain. You get lost easily (not the good kind of lost), your mind can’t keep up and then you are frustrated and want to turn it off. The gore effects and some shots are well constructed. But the editing, audio was put together randomly without truly thinking about it and THAT’S what drove me nuts. Overall, if the description would follow the actual film…it would probably be an underground horror favorite. But it is portrayed so horribly that it just is not worth another watch.

Rating: 1 Vomit Doll