Lilliputian Size Reviews: The Hangover Part III

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Ok I want to point out that this movie was panned by “critics” across the board. Only further proving my point that all critics who write major magazines, newpapers, news websites, and have talk time on tv shows and news programs need to be labelled by the government as ‘too retarded to exist’. What makes a critic a professional critic? I would honestly like to know their qualifications.

In my opinion this is an epic end to a great trilogy in film. I’ll also admit that this is not better than the 1st or the 2nd if you want to rank them. But it’s still really good. A little more grim, darker, and there’s more compassion between the characters.

Some might be upset that there really isn’t a hangover in this movie. The idea is that that both their hangovers previously have caught up with them. I don’t want to give the main story away because it all unravels on it’s own like a domino effect.

I felt that it wasn’t AS funny as the rest but still had very good moments. But that makes it not really sound good and I’m not trying to. It’s like trying to measure up to something already epic but trying to make it ‘epicer’? Not easy…especially attempting to do it twice. But if you liked the first two, it’s worth to go see. I’m buying on dvd when it will be released that’s how much I like it….that and why have 2 of the movies in a trilogy and not all 3?

Please don’t leave when the credits roll by the way…there’s a present for you.

Rating: 4 Leslie Chow Wedding Cakes

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Wizard of As: Mortal Kombat Annihilation Review

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Why review the 2nd Mortal Kombat movie and not the first? Well cause the first one was actually decent. Then 2 years later they decided to make a sequel which was quite successful making 70 million US box office after a mere 18 million dollar budget.

Extra Trivia: Jean Claude Van Damme turned down the role of Johnny Cage in the first mortal kombat to play Guile in Street Fighter which was considerably less successful with a 35 million dollar budget and the movie grossed 33 million US. Nice choice Jean.

But of course Hollywood saw a lot of cash come their way after the first so you need to do another one right? Well….wrong. Given 30 million dollars for the budget sounds much better, the movie before did very well with a smaller budge of 18 million. But this 30 million was not spent well, less appealing to the eye, actor talent lowered, plot and script jumbled and mindless, special effects look cheapened. So what the fuck happened? We’ll have to see.

The tagline for this movie: Destroy All Expectations!
That’s right because if you had high expectations for this movie, you’ll be sorely disappointed. Lower them a little and you might not think it’s that bad.

We start off seeing clips from the first movie to remind us what happened since this is just a few seconds after the first movie ends. Saw Shao Kahn in the end of the first…looked intimidating and you couldn’t wait to see him….but oh fuck, what a let down…you get this guy.

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What the fuck? Lame. Fine, whatever just better be badass…but he isn’t.

So we’re back at the sky turning purple and fire and shit coming down…then it’s raining ninjas with lots of bad green screen. As you see, Liu Kang is still the same, Kitana is back and is looking super hot, but who are these are people?

Sonya is different.

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(Left Sonya 1, Right Sonya 2) Not as hot in my opinion.

Then you got Johnny Cage.

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At least they look fairly similar. But my complaint with the new one comes in very quickly.

But the enemies come in. Motaro, Ermac, Rain, and Sheeva, then Shao Kahn.

But holy fuck, now we see Rayden.

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Christopher Lambert is 100% better as Rayden.

But then Shao Kahn talks….overly dramatic and evil. Sounds like a bad guy from the Godzilla movies. Sounding like you have a big voice and lowering it’s pitch makes you evil. Just evil for the sake of being evil.

Sindel shows up now, Kitana’s mother and her first line is one of the worst spoken lines in the history of movies.

“Too bad-You…..will die.”

Rayden and Shao Kahn fight a a bit while using some voice effects straight up taken from the game this movie is based off of. But shit…Johnny Cage is easily killed. God dammit. He was one of my favorite characters and now he’s gone less than 8 minutes into the movie. Character number 1 wasted. The guy who beat up Goro has his neck snapped in less than a minute by Shao Kahn.

The plot is now unfolded, Shao Kahn decided to just show up on Earth, breaking the rules of Mortal Kombat and now it’s up the protagonists stop them. A strange line I found was

“Alone you are vulnerable but together you can do much.”

You can’t do a lot, nothing spectacular…just much. I don’t know I found it wierd. So they all split up in the giant caged roller balls straight out of American Gladiators and ride them inside the earth’s core until the arrive at some random underground temple. But shit, Smoke and 3 ninjas show up. Smoke and Lui Kang fight. Kitana pulls out her bladed fans and fights off the expendable ninjas. Smoke is about to blow up Kitana and Lui Kang with a chest missile but oh my….Sub-Zero shows up and freezes the missle and Smoke blows up.

Sub-Zero was killed in the last movie pointed out by Liu Kang but no way says Ed Boon (screen writer for this movie and writes the plots and scripts for every Mortal Kombat game, movie, animated movie, animated series, and tv series ever made) this is just an excuse to put in Sub Zero again. But oh no….this is Sub-Zero’s brother. How convenient. A Deus ex machina that fails to impress. But Scorpion shows up too. So is this Scorpions uncle? So Scorpion and SubZero’s brother Sub Zero fight it out but Scorpion gets away and takes Kitana which by the way Scorpion never comes back…or Sub Zero after this scene. 2 more characters wasted.

So Sonya goes to get Jax who is unexplainably getting a new change with his metal arms and she somehow new that so thanks for explaining that to the audience.

But now Cyrax shows up and so he and Jax fight. Sonya fights off some more expendable ninjas. We also find that Jax is the new comedy relief who cracks bad jokes and retardedly not funny one liners. Sonya blows a kiss to some unmarked powder that sets Cyrax on fire and kills him.

By the way, Smoke and Cyrax are in this movie….but no Sektor. They’re basically all the same character just different colors. If you’re gonna have 2 of them, why not the other?

So Ermac, Sheeva, and Motaro argue on how many people they can kill. Rain tells Shao Kahn that they have killed Kabal and Stryker an……WAIT WHAT??? You can’t just fucking name drop cool characters and say they’re killed. So fucking lame. Kabal is an awesome character too, he could have provided a lot for the movie but no…he’s dead because we say so. Fuck you John Tobias and Ed Boon. It’s like if Star Wars Episode 7 had a scene and started talking about characters that existed that we knew about and wanted to see but just mention them and never bring them up again.

“Boba Fett actually lived through that ordeal at the Great Pit of Carkoon, but he has since retired, got married and has 2 children.”

You can’t just do that, retardery.

But anyway, Rain is killed just because. Character wasted. Sindel is the new general….why in the fuck was Rain the general in the first place? Seems like a lame choice.

Liu Kang is walking in the desert and fights off a wolf that turns out to be Nightwolf using his animality. Nightwolf has the worst lines in the whole movie, ick. But about less than 3 minutes….Nightwolf is gone and never returns. Another character wasted. So that’s what like 7 now that we’ve wasted? Johnny Cage, Sub Zero 2, Scorpion 2, Kabal, Stryker, Rain, and now Nightwolf. This movie is just full of useless cameos just to make it more interesting I guess but it’s only wasted opportunities and just a waste of time since they serve no real purpose. But now it’s snowing in the desert (makes sense right?) and Jade is now the new appearance in this movie. Hot asian chick but at the time she was a black chick in the game.

So Sonya and Jax are arguing about god knows what but Sonya gets Mileena shows up and fights Sonya in mud no less. Sonya beats Mileena who is now covered in mud Then an unknown huge beast shows up and Jax tries to fight him and beats up quickly. So Mileena…..character number 8 wasted.

Rayden speaks to the elder gods about Shao Kahn’s new plan. Liu Kang, Jade, Jax, and Sonya meet up and somehow Sonya is all clean. Must have given herself a cat bath. Rayden shows up with short hair (because he’s mortal now?)

They’re all gonna take off into the other portal into the outer realm. Which is just a trap apparently. Sindel is waiting for them with 3 Reptile characters…..yes 3 of them. Rayden fights them off as the rest stand there and wait. I’ll be nice and just say Reptile….character number 9 wasted and not count all 3 of them.

Liu Kang reaches Kitana but someone is waiting for him. Holy shit….it’s Baraka. Fucking awesome. Baraka fights Liu Kang but holy shit…there’s 3 Barakas now. Do you really think multiplying characters makes it better? No, it doesn’t. So in less than 3 minutes…..ALL FUCKING 3 BARAKAS ARE DEAD. Character number 10 Baraka….wasted. But uh-oh Sheeva is here and in less than 20 seconds…she is crushed by a cage…..ugh my god, really? She didn’t even get to throw a punch. 11 FUCKING CHARACTERS WASTED!!!!! My dear god, what the fuck are you thinking?!

At this point I’ve given up. Jade betrayed Jax, Sonya, Liu Kang, Rayden, and Kitana.

But now….super secret crazy gasp moment…………..Shao Kahn and Rayden are brothers. Oh my, we only saw that same “plot twist” before about 30 minutes ago. Fucking christ.

Jade didn’t get her trap just right so Shao Kahn kills her, I’ll give her a pass. She lasted for more than 2 scenes. More bickering and then they all walk to the final battle where Shao Kahn kills Rayden.

Final battle is set. Jax vs Motaro, Kitana vs Sindel, Sonya vs Ermac, and of course Liu Kang vs Shao Kahn. In these battles you really get to see how shitty Motaro looks. Just an actor with lots of makeup and hooves on his legs with cgi added for his horse body. It makes him look short. Motaro is supposed to be pretty damn big but he looks a little shorter than Jax when they stand side by side. Ermac grows an extra dude and it’s Noob Saibot. Jax takes out Motaro and assists Sonya to take out Noob Saibot with only 2 punches. Character number 12 ¬†wasted. Kitana kills Sindel. Now we see the final dudes to end it all. Which Liu Kang turns into his animality and as does Shao Kahn…..which they look straight up awful. As bad as a Sci-Fy tv movie and their special effects if not a little worse. But that all ends. Liu Kang defeats Shao Kahn in regular fighting without use of powers going to old school Mortal Kombat…..duh. Did you think Shao Kahn would win? Shao Kahn and Rayden’s father is killed by the other elder gods.

Everything is back to normal. Sonya and Jax are alive. Sindel is turned back to normal as a nice lady and becomes a true mother to Kitana. Rayden is brought back to life and takes over his father’s place as an elder god. The End.

Lame, Lame, Lame, Lame, Lame…..and what the fuck…..more Lame. 11 Characters brought in just to be killed or disappear in a matter of a few minutes or even never shown. Special effects are crap. Shit plot with even worse plot twists. It’s like 3 guys were messing around on what the next Mortal Kombat movie should be without taking what they were saying seriously but then turned it into an actual movie. Apparently there’s a new Mortal Kombat in the works….a re-boot of the series. I doubt it will be worth it and will probably die a very quick death but who knows.

Rating: Half A Mortal Kombat Dragon

Time Stopping Quotes:
Sindel: “Too bad-you…..will die.”
Rayden: “Alone you are vulnerable but together you can do much.”

What Did We Learn:
Multiplying the same character doesn’t make it better.
Ed Boon and John Tobias can’t write movies.
Kabal and Kano are the best characters.
Using voice clips from the game this movie is based on in the movie itself just doesn’t work.
Techno is not really ass kicking music.