Wizard of As: Firewalker Review

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We start with a shot of Tatooine where C-3PO and R2D2 are nowhere to be found.

This movie is presented by Golan Globus. Who bought you such classics as Breakin’, Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo, The Apple, American Ninja, Cyborg, Alien From L.A. (starring Kathy Ireland), Cheerleaders Beach Party, Superman IV, and of course Masters of the Universe.

Lou Gossett and Chuck Norris argue in a jeep being chased by oil sheiks in carts. They become tied to the ground in the middle of the desert after they crash into a pond….yes a pond. Bad humor reeks all over this celluloid master-piece of shit. An asian general leaves them to die but leaves a bottle of Perrier in Chucks hand, he busts it and uses the glass to cut the rope.

Some bland blondie is looking for some workers, so she finds Chuck and Lou sitting there. She tells them about some gold near the border in Arizona. She also warns of a red cyclops with long black hair (the Washington Redskins logo?). Some random engine attempts to kill the 3 protagonists but misses both times and they get out of the bar.

But anyway, enough of that exciting stuff, they ride donkeys to the area they want to find the gold as Chuck tells his chick a nice story about when he fought a shark, and the shark won. A big indian dude looks at the 3 from a distance as they climb up a canyon without cables or harnesses or anything. They get into a cave behind a tree. The she tells them there might be some old people sleeping in the cave, might have been some important info before. They find a burial ground of skeletons, so there’s your old people sleeping.

They find a skull and some writings on a wall, the skulls eyes glow red and Chuck drops it in fear (a skull, Chuck?) but there’s a ruby encrusted knife inside. Not gold enough apparently so they keep looking for more, the chick is captured by some indians wearing fuzzy moon boots, they fight them off to get the girl. They get to her and ask the woman thief to drop the knife, the fella becomes scared of the knife they found and becomes almost hypnotized, Chuck Norris barters to sign an autograph in trade for the girl but the indian jumps to his death instead.

Later they go to an indian chief’s house that might be able to help them, who is played by Will Sampson whom is probably most notorious for being Chief Bromden the big mute indian on the movie One Flew Over The Cukoo’s Nest. It appears he did escape and now lives happily in Arizona after suffocating a lobotomized Jack Nicholson. He changed his name to Tall Eagle and he gives them some info on the treasure and where it came from and all that nonsense. The chick constantly looks flirtatious, kinda irritating. As they take off, he makes a decent white man joke of wondering how Tonto dealt with all these whities. They sit in their room trying to figure out where the treasure is. They all go sleep but Chuck is wooed into drinking a potion from a woman in control of the cyclops named Coyote played by Sonny Landham who is most known for playing Billy in Predator. She fails and the protagonists live on.

They find their destination and head over deep south Mexico. They find a nice dumpy hotel to sleep again and go out drinking for more info, offer money to anyone who can give info they want. They find a bidder, who turns out to be Mr. Pitt from Seinfeld. A fight is started between Lou Gossett Jr and Vedinho from Puma Man and a bunch of small, easily dominated thugs with of course Chuck defeats quickly, even though a toddler with no arms could do the same. Mr. Pitt is in cahoots with Coyote as we find out. Chuck, the chick, and Lou are dressed as some priests and a nun to get on the train. They eventually arrive to the place but it’s been torn up and they’re chased by soldiers, one of them is drunk and almost gets away with rape but she outsmarts him (a drunk outsmarted by a fruitcake woman, which one should be considered the moral winner?).

They sleep in the jungle and get woken up by a large group of guerrilla fighters. Lou and Chuck are about to get executed but are spared by an old friend who was in charge the whole time. They party it up with all the folks. Lou gets taken or eaten by an alligator….it’s unknown. But they don’t really try to look. Give up easily, why don’t you? A car that was given to them by their friend gets sunken in a small lake. They find the temple after they walk.

They keep finding these cooky entrances that just lead to more rooms with more entrances. They find Lou tied, hanging over some extremely hot water and the Cyclops shows up. Chuck launches himself onto the rope as Lou and Chuck try to swing their way over to a ledge and get eventually get free. That Coyote dude is gonna sacrifice the girl with the knife which gives him the power of his ancestors apparently. But after a recurring gag that runs through the movie, Chuck is a bad shot but finally gets one at Coyote in the chest. They get the gold and capture it in bags, but Coyote is still alive and launches himself to attack and almost kills them but is unsuccessful. They walk away with the bags of gold.

So it’s happily ever after, they get the dream boat to sail around the world. A really nice hotel in the jungle in Fiji that they seem to be the owners of. Their bartender turns out to be the general that tied them up in the desert in the beginning of the movie. Don’t you think they would’ve known who is hired for their staff? I mean come on. He’s working in their home as a bartender. Even if they didn’t know, they would see him around don’t you think? Clocking in and out, routine inspections, shit like that. But anyway, movie over.

Ok the thing about this movie is that’s not horrible or not even bad…it’s a little less than average. Story is basic adventure but it’s worth seeing the situations they get themselves in. It’s downfalls could have been taken care of with just actor changes. Chuck, Lou, and the fruitcake girl aren’t good people to headline. Some other decent actors would have made a big difference. Lines could have been punched up, especially the more humorous ones. The film just looks direct to video too, but what do you expect from a 1980’s Chuck Norris movie? There could have been more action as well, just get small sporadic fight scenes. The bar fight wasn’t great but it was the best we got.

Rating: 2.2 Aztec/Mayan/Spanish Knives

Time Stopping Quotes:
Lou: “Just once I wanna do it in style. No deserts, no jungles, no mosquitos, no guns. Just sandy beaches, sipping champagne in fine restaurants, gambling in casinos, …….and WOMEN!”
Chuck: “Man, I can’t wait.”
Lou: “I don’t remember inviting you.”

What Did We Learn?
Bullethole: A bottle of Perrier saved Chuck Norris’ life (how dainty)
Bullethole: Mexicans suck at barfighting
Bullethole: Lou Gossett Jr. can heal gunshot wounds while speaking fake latin
Bullethole: Bullets don’t kill Indians but a knife in the back and a kick in the face does
Bullethole: A girl who’s constantly looking wide-eyed is annoying to me

melody_anderson_firewalker.19861_29

Stop LOOKING so wide-eyed!!!

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