Wizard of As: Firewalker Review

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We start with a shot of Tatooine where C-3PO and R2D2 are nowhere to be found.

This movie is presented by Golan Globus. Who bought you such classics as Breakin’, Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo, The Apple, American Ninja, Cyborg, Alien From L.A. (starring Kathy Ireland), Cheerleaders Beach Party, Superman IV, and of course Masters of the Universe.

Lou Gossett and Chuck Norris argue in a jeep being chased by oil sheiks in carts. They become tied to the ground in the middle of the desert after they crash into a pond….yes a pond. Bad humor reeks all over this celluloid master-piece of shit. An asian general leaves them to die but leaves a bottle of Perrier in Chucks hand, he busts it and uses the glass to cut the rope.

Some bland blondie is looking for some workers, so she finds Chuck and Lou sitting there. She tells them about some gold near the border in Arizona. She also warns of a red cyclops with long black hair (the Washington Redskins logo?). Some random engine attempts to kill the 3 protagonists but misses both times and they get out of the bar.

But anyway, enough of that exciting stuff, they ride donkeys to the area they want to find the gold as Chuck tells his chick a nice story about when he fought a shark, and the shark won. A big indian dude looks at the 3 from a distance as they climb up a canyon without cables or harnesses or anything. They get into a cave behind a tree. The she tells them there might be some old people sleeping in the cave, might have been some important info before. They find a burial ground of skeletons, so there’s your old people sleeping.

They find a skull and some writings on a wall, the skulls eyes glow red and Chuck drops it in fear (a skull, Chuck?) but there’s a ruby encrusted knife inside. Not gold enough apparently so they keep looking for more, the chick is captured by some indians wearing fuzzy moon boots, they fight them off to get the girl. They get to her and ask the woman thief to drop the knife, the fella becomes scared of the knife they found and becomes almost hypnotized, Chuck Norris barters to sign an autograph in trade for the girl but the indian jumps to his death instead.

Later they go to an indian chief’s house that might be able to help them, who is played by Will Sampson whom is probably most notorious for being Chief Bromden the big mute indian on the movie One Flew Over The Cukoo’s Nest. It appears he did escape and now lives happily in Arizona after suffocating a lobotomized Jack Nicholson. He changed his name to Tall Eagle and he gives them some info on the treasure and where it came from and all that nonsense. The chick constantly looks flirtatious, kinda irritating. As they take off, he makes a decent white man joke of wondering how Tonto dealt with all these whities. They sit in their room trying to figure out where the treasure is. They all go sleep but Chuck is wooed into drinking a potion from a woman in control of the cyclops named Coyote played by Sonny Landham who is most known for playing Billy in Predator. She fails and the protagonists live on.

They find their destination and head over deep south Mexico. They find a nice dumpy hotel to sleep again and go out drinking for more info, offer money to anyone who can give info they want. They find a bidder, who turns out to be Mr. Pitt from Seinfeld. A fight is started between Lou Gossett Jr and Vedinho from Puma Man and a bunch of small, easily dominated thugs with of course Chuck defeats quickly, even though a toddler with no arms could do the same. Mr. Pitt is in cahoots with Coyote as we find out. Chuck, the chick, and Lou are dressed as some priests and a nun to get on the train. They eventually arrive to the place but it’s been torn up and they’re chased by soldiers, one of them is drunk and almost gets away with rape but she outsmarts him (a drunk outsmarted by a fruitcake woman, which one should be considered the moral winner?).

They sleep in the jungle and get woken up by a large group of guerrilla fighters. Lou and Chuck are about to get executed but are spared by an old friend who was in charge the whole time. They party it up with all the folks. Lou gets taken or eaten by an alligator….it’s unknown. But they don’t really try to look. Give up easily, why don’t you? A car that was given to them by their friend gets sunken in a small lake. They find the temple after they walk.

They keep finding these cooky entrances that just lead to more rooms with more entrances. They find Lou tied, hanging over some extremely hot water and the Cyclops shows up. Chuck launches himself onto the rope as Lou and Chuck try to swing their way over to a ledge and get eventually get free. That Coyote dude is gonna sacrifice the girl with the knife which gives him the power of his ancestors apparently. But after a recurring gag that runs through the movie, Chuck is a bad shot but finally gets one at Coyote in the chest. They get the gold and capture it in bags, but Coyote is still alive and launches himself to attack and almost kills them but is unsuccessful. They walk away with the bags of gold.

So it’s happily ever after, they get the dream boat to sail around the world. A really nice hotel in the jungle in Fiji that they seem to be the owners of. Their bartender turns out to be the general that tied them up in the desert in the beginning of the movie. Don’t you think they would’ve known who is hired for their staff? I mean come on. He’s working in their home as a bartender. Even if they didn’t know, they would see him around don’t you think? Clocking in and out, routine inspections, shit like that. But anyway, movie over.

Ok the thing about this movie is that’s not horrible or not even bad…it’s a little less than average. Story is basic adventure but it’s worth seeing the situations they get themselves in. It’s downfalls could have been taken care of with just actor changes. Chuck, Lou, and the fruitcake girl aren’t good people to headline. Some other decent actors would have made a big difference. Lines could have been punched up, especially the more humorous ones. The film just looks direct to video too, but what do you expect from a 1980’s Chuck Norris movie? There could have been more action as well, just get small sporadic fight scenes. The bar fight wasn’t great but it was the best we got.

Rating: 2.2 Aztec/Mayan/Spanish Knives

Time Stopping Quotes:
Lou: “Just once I wanna do it in style. No deserts, no jungles, no mosquitos, no guns. Just sandy beaches, sipping champagne in fine restaurants, gambling in casinos, …….and WOMEN!”
Chuck: “Man, I can’t wait.”
Lou: “I don’t remember inviting you.”

What Did We Learn?
Bullethole: A bottle of Perrier saved Chuck Norris’ life (how dainty)
Bullethole: Mexicans suck at barfighting
Bullethole: Lou Gossett Jr. can heal gunshot wounds while speaking fake latin
Bullethole: Bullets don’t kill Indians but a knife in the back and a kick in the face does
Bullethole: A girl who’s constantly looking wide-eyed is annoying to me

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Stop LOOKING so wide-eyed!!!

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Wizard of As: Mortal Kombat Annihilation Review

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Why review the 2nd Mortal Kombat movie and not the first? Well cause the first one was actually decent. Then 2 years later they decided to make a sequel which was quite successful making 70 million US box office after a mere 18 million dollar budget.

Extra Trivia: Jean Claude Van Damme turned down the role of Johnny Cage in the first mortal kombat to play Guile in Street Fighter which was considerably less successful with a 35 million dollar budget and the movie grossed 33 million US. Nice choice Jean.

But of course Hollywood saw a lot of cash come their way after the first so you need to do another one right? Well….wrong. Given 30 million dollars for the budget sounds much better, the movie before did very well with a smaller budge of 18 million. But this 30 million was not spent well, less appealing to the eye, actor talent lowered, plot and script jumbled and mindless, special effects look cheapened. So what the fuck happened? We’ll have to see.

The tagline for this movie: Destroy All Expectations!
That’s right because if you had high expectations for this movie, you’ll be sorely disappointed. Lower them a little and you might not think it’s that bad.

We start off seeing clips from the first movie to remind us what happened since this is just a few seconds after the first movie ends. Saw Shao Kahn in the end of the first…looked intimidating and you couldn’t wait to see him….but oh fuck, what a let down…you get this guy.

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What the fuck? Lame. Fine, whatever just better be badass…but he isn’t.

So we’re back at the sky turning purple and fire and shit coming down…then it’s raining ninjas with lots of bad green screen. As you see, Liu Kang is still the same, Kitana is back and is looking super hot, but who are these are people?

Sonya is different.

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(Left Sonya 1, Right Sonya 2) Not as hot in my opinion.

Then you got Johnny Cage.

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At least they look fairly similar. But my complaint with the new one comes in very quickly.

But the enemies come in. Motaro, Ermac, Rain, and Sheeva, then Shao Kahn.

But holy fuck, now we see Rayden.

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Christopher Lambert is 100% better as Rayden.

But then Shao Kahn talks….overly dramatic and evil. Sounds like a bad guy from the Godzilla movies. Sounding like you have a big voice and lowering it’s pitch makes you evil. Just evil for the sake of being evil.

Sindel shows up now, Kitana’s mother and her first line is one of the worst spoken lines in the history of movies.

“Too bad-You…..will die.”

Rayden and Shao Kahn fight a a bit while using some voice effects straight up taken from the game this movie is based off of. But shit…Johnny Cage is easily killed. God dammit. He was one of my favorite characters and now he’s gone less than 8 minutes into the movie. Character number 1 wasted. The guy who beat up Goro has his neck snapped in less than a minute by Shao Kahn.

The plot is now unfolded, Shao Kahn decided to just show up on Earth, breaking the rules of Mortal Kombat and now it’s up the protagonists stop them. A strange line I found was

“Alone you are vulnerable but together you can do much.”

You can’t do a lot, nothing spectacular…just much. I don’t know I found it wierd. So they all split up in the giant caged roller balls straight out of American Gladiators and ride them inside the earth’s core until the arrive at some random underground temple. But shit, Smoke and 3 ninjas show up. Smoke and Lui Kang fight. Kitana pulls out her bladed fans and fights off the expendable ninjas. Smoke is about to blow up Kitana and Lui Kang with a chest missile but oh my….Sub-Zero shows up and freezes the missle and Smoke blows up.

Sub-Zero was killed in the last movie pointed out by Liu Kang but no way says Ed Boon (screen writer for this movie and writes the plots and scripts for every Mortal Kombat game, movie, animated movie, animated series, and tv series ever made) this is just an excuse to put in Sub Zero again. But oh no….this is Sub-Zero’s brother. How convenient. A Deus ex machina that fails to impress. But Scorpion shows up too. So is this Scorpions uncle? So Scorpion and SubZero’s brother Sub Zero fight it out but Scorpion gets away and takes Kitana which by the way Scorpion never comes back…or Sub Zero after this scene. 2 more characters wasted.

So Sonya goes to get Jax who is unexplainably getting a new change with his metal arms and she somehow new that so thanks for explaining that to the audience.

But now Cyrax shows up and so he and Jax fight. Sonya fights off some more expendable ninjas. We also find that Jax is the new comedy relief who cracks bad jokes and retardedly not funny one liners. Sonya blows a kiss to some unmarked powder that sets Cyrax on fire and kills him.

By the way, Smoke and Cyrax are in this movie….but no Sektor. They’re basically all the same character just different colors. If you’re gonna have 2 of them, why not the other?

So Ermac, Sheeva, and Motaro argue on how many people they can kill. Rain tells Shao Kahn that they have killed Kabal and Stryker an……WAIT WHAT??? You can’t just fucking name drop cool characters and say they’re killed. So fucking lame. Kabal is an awesome character too, he could have provided a lot for the movie but no…he’s dead because we say so. Fuck you John Tobias and Ed Boon. It’s like if Star Wars Episode 7 had a scene and started talking about characters that existed that we knew about and wanted to see but just mention them and never bring them up again.

“Boba Fett actually lived through that ordeal at the Great Pit of Carkoon, but he has since retired, got married and has 2 children.”

You can’t just do that, retardery.

But anyway, Rain is killed just because. Character wasted. Sindel is the new general….why in the fuck was Rain the general in the first place? Seems like a lame choice.

Liu Kang is walking in the desert and fights off a wolf that turns out to be Nightwolf using his animality. Nightwolf has the worst lines in the whole movie, ick. But about less than 3 minutes….Nightwolf is gone and never returns. Another character wasted. So that’s what like 7 now that we’ve wasted? Johnny Cage, Sub Zero 2, Scorpion 2, Kabal, Stryker, Rain, and now Nightwolf. This movie is just full of useless cameos just to make it more interesting I guess but it’s only wasted opportunities and just a waste of time since they serve no real purpose. But now it’s snowing in the desert (makes sense right?) and Jade is now the new appearance in this movie. Hot asian chick but at the time she was a black chick in the game.

So Sonya and Jax are arguing about god knows what but Sonya gets Mileena shows up and fights Sonya in mud no less. Sonya beats Mileena who is now covered in mud Then an unknown huge beast shows up and Jax tries to fight him and beats up quickly. So Mileena…..character number 8 wasted.

Rayden speaks to the elder gods about Shao Kahn’s new plan. Liu Kang, Jade, Jax, and Sonya meet up and somehow Sonya is all clean. Must have given herself a cat bath. Rayden shows up with short hair (because he’s mortal now?)

They’re all gonna take off into the other portal into the outer realm. Which is just a trap apparently. Sindel is waiting for them with 3 Reptile characters…..yes 3 of them. Rayden fights them off as the rest stand there and wait. I’ll be nice and just say Reptile….character number 9 wasted and not count all 3 of them.

Liu Kang reaches Kitana but someone is waiting for him. Holy shit….it’s Baraka. Fucking awesome. Baraka fights Liu Kang but holy shit…there’s 3 Barakas now. Do you really think multiplying characters makes it better? No, it doesn’t. So in less than 3 minutes…..ALL FUCKING 3 BARAKAS ARE DEAD. Character number 10 Baraka….wasted. But uh-oh Sheeva is here and in less than 20 seconds…she is crushed by a cage…..ugh my god, really? She didn’t even get to throw a punch. 11 FUCKING CHARACTERS WASTED!!!!! My dear god, what the fuck are you thinking?!

At this point I’ve given up. Jade betrayed Jax, Sonya, Liu Kang, Rayden, and Kitana.

But now….super secret crazy gasp moment…………..Shao Kahn and Rayden are brothers. Oh my, we only saw that same “plot twist” before about 30 minutes ago. Fucking christ.

Jade didn’t get her trap just right so Shao Kahn kills her, I’ll give her a pass. She lasted for more than 2 scenes. More bickering and then they all walk to the final battle where Shao Kahn kills Rayden.

Final battle is set. Jax vs Motaro, Kitana vs Sindel, Sonya vs Ermac, and of course Liu Kang vs Shao Kahn. In these battles you really get to see how shitty Motaro looks. Just an actor with lots of makeup and hooves on his legs with cgi added for his horse body. It makes him look short. Motaro is supposed to be pretty damn big but he looks a little shorter than Jax when they stand side by side. Ermac grows an extra dude and it’s Noob Saibot. Jax takes out Motaro and assists Sonya to take out Noob Saibot with only 2 punches. Character number 12  wasted. Kitana kills Sindel. Now we see the final dudes to end it all. Which Liu Kang turns into his animality and as does Shao Kahn…..which they look straight up awful. As bad as a Sci-Fy tv movie and their special effects if not a little worse. But that all ends. Liu Kang defeats Shao Kahn in regular fighting without use of powers going to old school Mortal Kombat…..duh. Did you think Shao Kahn would win? Shao Kahn and Rayden’s father is killed by the other elder gods.

Everything is back to normal. Sonya and Jax are alive. Sindel is turned back to normal as a nice lady and becomes a true mother to Kitana. Rayden is brought back to life and takes over his father’s place as an elder god. The End.

Lame, Lame, Lame, Lame, Lame…..and what the fuck…..more Lame. 11 Characters brought in just to be killed or disappear in a matter of a few minutes or even never shown. Special effects are crap. Shit plot with even worse plot twists. It’s like 3 guys were messing around on what the next Mortal Kombat movie should be without taking what they were saying seriously but then turned it into an actual movie. Apparently there’s a new Mortal Kombat in the works….a re-boot of the series. I doubt it will be worth it and will probably die a very quick death but who knows.

Rating: Half A Mortal Kombat Dragon

Time Stopping Quotes:
Sindel: “Too bad-you…..will die.”
Rayden: “Alone you are vulnerable but together you can do much.”

What Did We Learn:
Multiplying the same character doesn’t make it better.
Ed Boon and John Tobias can’t write movies.
Kabal and Kano are the best characters.
Using voice clips from the game this movie is based on in the movie itself just doesn’t work.
Techno is not really ass kicking music.

Lilliputian Size Reviews: Alien 3/Alien (To The 3rd Power)

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Alright so, just watched this after many years of procrastinating to see it another time. I’m a big fan of the Aliens franchise (except AVP, they fucked up that shit)

I used to collect the Aliens vs. Predator action figures. I’d still like to go back and get them again, they were awesome. Played the shit out of Alien 3 on Super Nintendo, hard as fuck but kinda fun, not fantastic. Also played Aliens vs. Predator on Super Nintendo, classic beat em up. Played a little Alien Trilogy on Playstation, not as impressed. Just started playing Aliens: Colonel Marines on Xbox 360, super fun and follows the movies pretty well. Our local Laser-X (remember that shit?) had an Alien themed play area. There was a window that showed the area and if you got really close to it, a sensor would go off and a facehugger puppet would jump at the window. Traumatized me. Also had an issue from a of graphic novel series.

Back to the movie at hand. Inferior from Alien and even Aliens. But better than Alien Resurrection.
Visuals are fucking awesome.
Cinematography is great.
Sets and art design are beautiful.
Acting is good.
But story, meh.
Dialogue…eh.
The alien itself….umm, sure why not.

So the one I just watched came out of an Ox (originally you see it come out of a Dog in another versions of the movie, which makes more sense because of the physical similarities) but whatever, it runs on all fours. The survivors from the last movie (Ripley, Newt, Cpl. Hicks, and the upper half of Bishop) are in the escape pod from their ship, crash land on a planet with just 25 life sentence prisoners, 1 warden, and his lackey (nicknamed 85 because that’s his IQ). Unfortunately Ripley is the only one left, the others didn’t make it.
The prisoners are now born again christians and find her appearance to be a bad thing since they are all former killers and rapists and feel that her being there will challenge their faith and fall into the hands of sin.
A few deaths lead to them all working together, no weapons besides some knives and axes. So they use their creativity to kill it. Eventually it gets done but Ripley has been impregnated which is my big quarrel with this movie.
During the climax of Aliens the only alien that got onto the Solaco ship was the queen. She was injected into space and that was it. No other alien was aboard, they even went on a smaller ship that left the Solaco. The only way for her to be impregnated is for their to be facehuggers on the ship. They only come from eggs that are left by the queen in her hive. Her hive was blown to bits in the previous movie. So no eggs available. They didn’t even find the dead husk of a face hugger on the escape pod. So what the fuck? Makes no sense, it’s not like they couldn’t have figured something out to fill that plot hole. Not only that, remember the ox AKA dog? There had to have been 2 aliens aboard. Sorry, I don’t buy this anymore. So that’s my big gripe with this movie otherwise like I said, well done.
It’s the last good Alien movie, Alien Resurrection not so much.

Rating: 3.25 Doggy Aliens

Lilliputian Size Review: The Raid: Redemption

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Lets start with a mutha fuckin’ bang. I personally feel…this movie is the best action movie I have ever seen. I have seen some kick ass action movies but this movie kicked them all in the legs, snapped their elbow, stabbed them in the shoulder and shot them 3 times in the face.
It reminds me of the ending battles to Game of Death…but obviously modernized. If you haven’t seen Game of Death, please do. But the confrontation in the end of that is Bruce Lee’s character needs to go into a pagoda restaurant and on the upper floors are traps laid out for him and he must fight his way up to get to the man he wants.
In The Raid, a group SWAT team is going into a 15 story apartment that is mostly filled with drug addicts, criminals, and just all around menaces to society to capture the leader. The leader in control of this building is a huge underground criminal mastermind who orders his tenants to destroy the SWAT team invading their leaders building…and let the chaos begin.
Firefights to the max and fast paced hand to hand combat is pretty much the rest. But it never gets old and things are getting more intense almost every minute. Every step closer, the levels get more difficult.
The film is done so well. The action is insane and over the top but not exactly so much that isn’t possible. It’s filmed a lot better than the modern North American action movie, where the fight scenes are extreme close ups and every punch landed the camera cuts. Not this one, choreographed fighting and you can see every second of it without feeling nauseous.
Mad Dog is my favorite character. He’s tiny, scrawny, and just scraggley. But he will kick your ass to the death without using a weapon. He has 2 incredible fight scenes and is just so fast and quick minded with his fists and legs that it seems impossible for you to take him down. His strength is lacking…but his stamina, speed, and will to kill more than makes up for it. If I had anyone to back me up in a fight, I choose him. Not Brock Lesnar, not the Hell’s Angels, not the Van Buren Boys, not even Chuck Norris….Mad Dog is my backup and I wouldn’t even have to help. Just watch him kick your asses and wait for you to apologize for cutting in front of me in the lunch line. Dick!

Rating: 5 Mad Dogs (which equal 10 Chuck Norris’…suck on that)

Lilliputian Size Reviews: Spring Breakers

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I’m gonna start off by saying…I like Harmony Korine. Kids, Gummo, and Trash Humpers I’m a fan of (especially Gummo). But I didn’t dig this too much. Slow moving, repetitive, and showing tits and ass to show well….tits and ass. But hey that’s fine, there were a lot of nice butts and boobs. But it was like ok, lets go on to plot now please. I swear the line “Spring break, spring break, spring break forever” was repeated at least 30 times.
James Franco was the guy that made this movie somewhat worth it to me. His grimy little character (Al-ien) was funny to watch and was just so ridiculously slimy but you couldn’t help but laugh. A combination of just him and that his character was funny.

“Look at all my SHIT!!”

It was filmed well, effects were cool, I’m a fan of film noir style colored lights. Makes it seem comic book like. But the story and plot were just too slow and I got bored easily just waiting for something to happen. The ending wasn’t awful…but it was rushed it seemed like.
I kind of wondered sometimes (day dreaming really) that what would I be doing in these crazy parties at South Florida during a college spring break. Would I be getting some poon? Maybe. How shy would I be? Not sure. Probably would break out of my shell fairly quickly. I’m a competitive guy, wanna do something crazy? I’ll show you a crazy mothafucka (cause I’m the shit, yo). Well…I guess the question is…does it make you wanna go on spring break?
Not really, well…….maybe? Who knows. But probably not….but let’s not rule it out. I doubt it though.

Rating: 2-AND-A-HALF Vanessa Hudgens’ss (which half?)

Lilliputian Size Reviews: Chernobyl Diaries

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I must say to start off the idea of a horror movie based in Chernobyl has a ton of potential but of course, a good idea given to people holding a camera who have no new ideas of their own never ends well. The creepiness factor is at a high due to the unknown assailants whom you never really see or very very little of (which is better than just flat out showing them and each of them having personalities and individual agendas which has become a horror cliche of it’s own). So this film went back to basics and just not really showing you who is trying to get these people which makes the horror factor go up on the scare scale. If you know the history and have seen pictures of Chernobyl, it is quite a creepy place with traumatic history. But the plot surrounds some jackass and his little brother visiting there for fun with 2 lady friends, an expendable couple, and their “experienced” tour guide. Obviously knowing any horror movie…that’s a mistake. So blame everything on the older brother throughout the movie whenever you’re getting frustrated with typical movie victim stupidity and just where they end up. The story and characters are one dimensional but like I said the creepiness factor is high. The film is very dark (no, not because it’s a horror movie) but because it’s hard to see a lot of the time once they arrive to their designated area. This is one of those movies where you cannot dissect it too much, just watch it and try to enjoy it for what it is (an unintelligible horror movie cliche). I tell you this because the ending is very anti-climactic with no answer other than being a twist(?) just for the sake of being a twist(?). So enjoy the creepy atmosphere, darkly unknown assailants, and tension build but attempt to sit through just another horror movie that means nothing to horror history and is nothing special all around.

Rating: 2 Dead Russian Tour Guides

Lilliputian Size Reviews: Slaughtered Vomit Dolls

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I’ve seen some crazy movies. But this had moments of deranged behavior, and gross moments. But I personally found it hard to watch in a different way than most people’s usual complaint of horrid acts on screen. I depict it as ‘BORING AS HELL’. I like this kind of stuff…but the images went WAY to fast to comprehend what you even saw and then by the time you know what it was…but there were 14 more shots you’ve missed due to thinking about the one. Even films like Gummo and Trash Humpers (Like random shots and disturbing images? Those are for you) have a certain plot or story. It may be small, but it’s something. This was random shot, after random shot, and what do you know…another random shot. Even the more horrifying shots get old. Some lasting half a second, some lasting 30 seconds. But it doesn’t stop, until you see her as a child walking away on an old VHS Camera. I wanted parts to just move on, but they kept going and going. Back and forth, back and forth. It’s ok sometimes to do that, but let people get what they are seeing first before you switch. Being so redundant that it becomes VERY QUICKLY unappealing to the eye and brain. You get lost easily (not the good kind of lost), your mind can’t keep up and then you are frustrated and want to turn it off. The gore effects and some shots are well constructed. But the editing, audio was put together randomly without truly thinking about it and THAT’S what drove me nuts. Overall, if the description would follow the actual film…it would probably be an underground horror favorite. But it is portrayed so horribly that it just is not worth another watch.

Rating: 1 Vomit Doll