Wizard of As Review: Night of the Living Dead: Resurrection

Night-Living-Poster-1

Night of the Living Dead: Resurrection
Has got to be one of the worst things I’ve ever watched. I’ve seen some horrible shit before but this fucking dumb thing takes the cake. First of all, you’re fucking lazy. Night of the Living Dead: Resurrection?? Seriously?? That’s what you came up with?? It’s not at least the same but the routes they went with this movie were so much worse than the original could ever dream of.
It starts off with this bunch of hoodlums being jackasses essentially. Bullying people who walk by. One of them gets bit, and a black guy (named ‘Ben’ by the way) comes up and makes his appearance and then drives off to help his family in the country.
He drives and drives and arrives at this farm house in the middle of the night for some reason. He kills off a couple of zombies with some blunt weapon, he then knocks on the door to see if anyone is home, so they can help him.
For his troubles…he gets shot in the chest. Bye, Ben…sorry we wasted about the last 10 minutes of the movie on you just for you to be shot and also gives a horrible introduction to the people we’re gonna see the rest of the movie.
Yep, the family that shot a human without even questioning why he was screaming or talking whatsoever until after they shot him. Meet the dad, I don’t give a fuck to remember what everyone’s names are so I’ll just call them by what they fucking are. But anyway, meet the dad, he has crazy ass eyebrows that will distract you from everything he ever says because you can’t keep your eyes off his big goofy eyebrows.
And his son and law, let’s just call him Jackass…you’ll know why I’ll call him that soon enough.There’s also Grandpa, who needs to hurry up and die. There’s Mom, who’s a classic yodeler when she gets upset. Big Sister, the woman who is married to Jackass. Slut Sister, the little sister to Big Sister and is a revolting slut…and revolting human being. There’s also…um, let’s just call him Goth Shit…cause he’s a goth teenage boy who is only goth cause he has no personality so he just finds something else to latch onto to give the illusion of being independent. He dies first anyway, so who gives a shit?
Anyway, they’re all whining and crying. Find out that Goth Shit is sick because he was bitten and didn’t bother to tell anyone (this is why he dies first, he’s an idiot). So they lock him into the bathroom, but not before he bites Asshole. So we all know Asshole will die at some point, this is good…it just takes forever to happen. But even being knowingly bitten, he stills clangs on to the fact that he’ll be alive to be a father. Because you know, Big Sister is pregnant and pretty much about to pop at any time.
But anyway, we find out during private conversation with Slut Sister and Asshole that they’re been…guess what? Having an affair! Awesome. A seemingly 16 year old girl is having sex with 25 year old looking brother-in-law. That’s cute, isn’t it? And she also, wants to fool around after her brother turned into a zombie, and her family is in all of the other rooms of the same house. So, she’s not only heartless and slutty…she’s also dumb too! Mom over hears this and is pretty pissed, as you could imagine. But she holds back from a stern talking to, just yet. We’ll get that soon.
But Grandpa turns out he’s a zombie now too…how did it happen?? No clue. So Grandpa and Goth Shit are now zombies being locked into different rooms by themselves. Dad goes off and tries to go to a town to get some help.
And this is where it gets retarded…he is driving in the country and finds a renegade group of hoodlums…including 1 of them from the beginning…who seems to be the leader. Their’s about 10 of them, all sporting blunt instruments of some kind. They decide to take the Dad from the car and run him over with it multiple times………
Yeah…..Why??? It’s never really said. They’re just crazy I guess????? I have no clue. It serves no fucking purpose. It’s a fucking zombie movie. Not a teenage vagrant movie. So yeah, they’re in the movie now.
And they take a visit to the farm house where Dad came from to harass the people who live there too. Goody…we get to see more of these stupid characters that absolutely have no purpose or contribute anything to the movie or plot. Apparently the film makers couldn’t think of a way to kill off Dad, in a different way. Cause this is a zombie movie…how could Dad die?? Is a zombie horde a good way to kill off Dad? I’m not sure…I’d have to check.
But by the way, Big Sister gave birth and it’s never really shown…but it is a zombie baby. And I was just up in arms with this stunt. Really?? You know what a zombie baby does for a zombie movie? Do you know it’s purpose?? It’s for when you ran out of scares and anything to entertain the audience is just run dry so you just come up with something ridiculous to try and salvage what’s left so you create a zombie baby.
Oooooooh, scary!!! A zombie baby!! How scary!! Gross too! A zombie baby!! What is this world coming to when there’s zombie babies?!!
It’s never shown by the way and they spend about what felt like 5 minutes uncovering the blankets that were piled on it so we could see what the dumb zombie baby looked like, but the blankets just kept coming, slowly, centimeter by centimeter being uncovered to reveal the baby. But that moment never comes, it’s just implied that there’s something wrong with it and we never see it. GOOD JOB, FILM MAKER!! WAY TO PAY OFF THAT ONE!!!
It was a retarded idea to begin with but at least pay it off for the audience sake if you’re gonna do it. At least get that part right!
Mom does finally give a stern talking to to the Slut Sister and Asshole. Her voice is all over the place. She’s doing some anger yodeling and it takes a long time to finally kick Asshole out of the house. He claims he’ll come back for help, he promises even. But he doesn’t see he’s surrounded by zombies and we never see him again when they close the door.
Big Sister dies too somehow. I don’t even remember if they showed it or even mentioned it…but it wasn’t important enough to recollect anyway. So Mom and Slut sister hide in a shed…but not before all of the hoodlums get killed by zombies. Which by the way…WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU THINK WAS GONNA HAPPEN, KIDS?!?! You’re running around in the dark with no flashlight, surrounded and outnumbered heavily to zombies…WHAT DID YOU THINK WAS GONNA HAPPEN?? So obviously…these hoodlums truly meant nothing to the movie.
Anyway, morning comes…a small group of men drive by the house. All camouflaged like they’re some rednecks…except this movie was filmed in England…so they’re more a like us then they claim to be apparently. They’re trying to be like us and they suck at it, they’re not even good at sucking as hard as we do here in the US. Like what’s worse, being as bad as the US, or not even good at sucking properly??
They yank the mom and slut sister out, and they are immediately repugnant. They claim that the mother has been bitten but never explain where so they shoot her anyway. They decide to keep Slut Sister, and as the leader eloquently put it, “Put her in the rape van.”
END OF MOVIE!! That’s how this movie ends.
What a piece of shit. Shit would admit this shit stinks. Maggots watch humans watching this and they go “What the fuck is their problem? Why would they do that to themselves?”
This is a complete…FUCK! It’s a disaster in every way possible. It all sucks, everything sucks 1000 times over. Fuck you, movie and fuck anyone who made this! Everything that could go wrong…went fucking wrong. It’s an abomination and it needs to be destroyed.

-5 Fucking Stars!!

Lilliputian Size Review: The Lone Ranger

Image

 

 

Ok so, just saw this.

…….
….
..

Sorry, spaced off there for a second. It was pretty good I must say. Very entertaining which was the point, right? The story was pretty good, had lots of side plots but it didn’t get confusing. Despite looking at Tonto in the beginning I thought looked a little ridiculous with the bird, thought they were just overdoing it. The pleased me by actually making the bird a really decent part of his character and not just some decoration.

Had some pretty humorous moments as well, the comedy was well put for many age groups to understand and laugh. The action was pretty awesome too, became quite elaborate at times but was all in good fun.

I like how the story was told as well, wasn’t just a movie. It was all a flashback from the man himself, Tonto to a little kid. Even goes a little bit back and forth with Tonto almost reenacting his story as it goes on. So that was kinda funny, but there was a part where a little prop from him telling the story was in the actual movie. A Peanut Bag, you’ll notice it when you watch it. Was kind of strange.

One more thing…Silver…the Lone Ranger’s horse…..was the funniest character in the whole movie. You’ll see why. I wanna see a movie about him.

Now, some complaints.
1. Despite falling off a long ways and being thrown around to land on hard surfaces…no injuries at all. Not even a bruise or for god sake a broken leg. You try falling off a fast moving train for about 30-40 feet and landing on a huge cart of silver rocks and not get hurt. Just try it.
2. Helena Bonham Carter was over sold in the previews. She was barely in it and frankly, the movie could be just as ok without her. Didn’t make that much of difference.
3. Despite Johnny Depp as Tonto being more interesting than The Lone Ranger himself, he’s the sidekick…so top billing didn’t make much sense (marketing complaint but still).
4. A big one for me was Armie Hammer’s Lone Ranger…..he’s a whiner. Complains way too much and doesn’t have much of anything interesting to say anyway. Even ruins a few parts of the story because of his attitude towards criminals.

Rating: 4 Silver Bullets

Wizard of As: Firewalker Review

Image

We start with a shot of Tatooine where C-3PO and R2D2 are nowhere to be found.

This movie is presented by Golan Globus. Who bought you such classics as Breakin’, Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo, The Apple, American Ninja, Cyborg, Alien From L.A. (starring Kathy Ireland), Cheerleaders Beach Party, Superman IV, and of course Masters of the Universe.

Lou Gossett and Chuck Norris argue in a jeep being chased by oil sheiks in carts. They become tied to the ground in the middle of the desert after they crash into a pond….yes a pond. Bad humor reeks all over this celluloid master-piece of shit. An asian general leaves them to die but leaves a bottle of Perrier in Chucks hand, he busts it and uses the glass to cut the rope.

Some bland blondie is looking for some workers, so she finds Chuck and Lou sitting there. She tells them about some gold near the border in Arizona. She also warns of a red cyclops with long black hair (the Washington Redskins logo?). Some random engine attempts to kill the 3 protagonists but misses both times and they get out of the bar.

But anyway, enough of that exciting stuff, they ride donkeys to the area they want to find the gold as Chuck tells his chick a nice story about when he fought a shark, and the shark won. A big indian dude looks at the 3 from a distance as they climb up a canyon without cables or harnesses or anything. They get into a cave behind a tree. The she tells them there might be some old people sleeping in the cave, might have been some important info before. They find a burial ground of skeletons, so there’s your old people sleeping.

They find a skull and some writings on a wall, the skulls eyes glow red and Chuck drops it in fear (a skull, Chuck?) but there’s a ruby encrusted knife inside. Not gold enough apparently so they keep looking for more, the chick is captured by some indians wearing fuzzy moon boots, they fight them off to get the girl. They get to her and ask the woman thief to drop the knife, the fella becomes scared of the knife they found and becomes almost hypnotized, Chuck Norris barters to sign an autograph in trade for the girl but the indian jumps to his death instead.

Later they go to an indian chief’s house that might be able to help them, who is played by Will Sampson whom is probably most notorious for being Chief Bromden the big mute indian on the movie One Flew Over The Cukoo’s Nest. It appears he did escape and now lives happily in Arizona after suffocating a lobotomized Jack Nicholson. He changed his name to Tall Eagle and he gives them some info on the treasure and where it came from and all that nonsense. The chick constantly looks flirtatious, kinda irritating. As they take off, he makes a decent white man joke of wondering how Tonto dealt with all these whities. They sit in their room trying to figure out where the treasure is. They all go sleep but Chuck is wooed into drinking a potion from a woman in control of the cyclops named Coyote played by Sonny Landham who is most known for playing Billy in Predator. She fails and the protagonists live on.

They find their destination and head over deep south Mexico. They find a nice dumpy hotel to sleep again and go out drinking for more info, offer money to anyone who can give info they want. They find a bidder, who turns out to be Mr. Pitt from Seinfeld. A fight is started between Lou Gossett Jr and Vedinho from Puma Man and a bunch of small, easily dominated thugs with of course Chuck defeats quickly, even though a toddler with no arms could do the same. Mr. Pitt is in cahoots with Coyote as we find out. Chuck, the chick, and Lou are dressed as some priests and a nun to get on the train. They eventually arrive to the place but it’s been torn up and they’re chased by soldiers, one of them is drunk and almost gets away with rape but she outsmarts him (a drunk outsmarted by a fruitcake woman, which one should be considered the moral winner?).

They sleep in the jungle and get woken up by a large group of guerrilla fighters. Lou and Chuck are about to get executed but are spared by an old friend who was in charge the whole time. They party it up with all the folks. Lou gets taken or eaten by an alligator….it’s unknown. But they don’t really try to look. Give up easily, why don’t you? A car that was given to them by their friend gets sunken in a small lake. They find the temple after they walk.

They keep finding these cooky entrances that just lead to more rooms with more entrances. They find Lou tied, hanging over some extremely hot water and the Cyclops shows up. Chuck launches himself onto the rope as Lou and Chuck try to swing their way over to a ledge and get eventually get free. That Coyote dude is gonna sacrifice the girl with the knife which gives him the power of his ancestors apparently. But after a recurring gag that runs through the movie, Chuck is a bad shot but finally gets one at Coyote in the chest. They get the gold and capture it in bags, but Coyote is still alive and launches himself to attack and almost kills them but is unsuccessful. They walk away with the bags of gold.

So it’s happily ever after, they get the dream boat to sail around the world. A really nice hotel in the jungle in Fiji that they seem to be the owners of. Their bartender turns out to be the general that tied them up in the desert in the beginning of the movie. Don’t you think they would’ve known who is hired for their staff? I mean come on. He’s working in their home as a bartender. Even if they didn’t know, they would see him around don’t you think? Clocking in and out, routine inspections, shit like that. But anyway, movie over.

Ok the thing about this movie is that’s not horrible or not even bad…it’s a little less than average. Story is basic adventure but it’s worth seeing the situations they get themselves in. It’s downfalls could have been taken care of with just actor changes. Chuck, Lou, and the fruitcake girl aren’t good people to headline. Some other decent actors would have made a big difference. Lines could have been punched up, especially the more humorous ones. The film just looks direct to video too, but what do you expect from a 1980’s Chuck Norris movie? There could have been more action as well, just get small sporadic fight scenes. The bar fight wasn’t great but it was the best we got.

Rating: 2.2 Aztec/Mayan/Spanish Knives

Time Stopping Quotes:
Lou: “Just once I wanna do it in style. No deserts, no jungles, no mosquitos, no guns. Just sandy beaches, sipping champagne in fine restaurants, gambling in casinos, …….and WOMEN!”
Chuck: “Man, I can’t wait.”
Lou: “I don’t remember inviting you.”

What Did We Learn?
Bullethole: A bottle of Perrier saved Chuck Norris’ life (how dainty)
Bullethole: Mexicans suck at barfighting
Bullethole: Lou Gossett Jr. can heal gunshot wounds while speaking fake latin
Bullethole: Bullets don’t kill Indians but a knife in the back and a kick in the face does
Bullethole: A girl who’s constantly looking wide-eyed is annoying to me

melody_anderson_firewalker.19861_29

Stop LOOKING so wide-eyed!!!

Lilliputian Size Reviews: The Hangover Part III

Image

 

Ok I want to point out that this movie was panned by “critics” across the board. Only further proving my point that all critics who write major magazines, newpapers, news websites, and have talk time on tv shows and news programs need to be labelled by the government as ‘too retarded to exist’. What makes a critic a professional critic? I would honestly like to know their qualifications.

In my opinion this is an epic end to a great trilogy in film. I’ll also admit that this is not better than the 1st or the 2nd if you want to rank them. But it’s still really good. A little more grim, darker, and there’s more compassion between the characters.

Some might be upset that there really isn’t a hangover in this movie. The idea is that that both their hangovers previously have caught up with them. I don’t want to give the main story away because it all unravels on it’s own like a domino effect.

I felt that it wasn’t AS funny as the rest but still had very good moments. But that makes it not really sound good and I’m not trying to. It’s like trying to measure up to something already epic but trying to make it ‘epicer’? Not easy…especially attempting to do it twice. But if you liked the first two, it’s worth to go see. I’m buying on dvd when it will be released that’s how much I like it….that and why have 2 of the movies in a trilogy and not all 3?

Please don’t leave when the credits roll by the way…there’s a present for you.

Rating: 4 Leslie Chow Wedding Cakes

Wizard of As: Mortal Kombat Annihilation Review

mortal-kombat-annihilation

Why review the 2nd Mortal Kombat movie and not the first? Well cause the first one was actually decent. Then 2 years later they decided to make a sequel which was quite successful making 70 million US box office after a mere 18 million dollar budget.

Extra Trivia: Jean Claude Van Damme turned down the role of Johnny Cage in the first mortal kombat to play Guile in Street Fighter which was considerably less successful with a 35 million dollar budget and the movie grossed 33 million US. Nice choice Jean.

But of course Hollywood saw a lot of cash come their way after the first so you need to do another one right? Well….wrong. Given 30 million dollars for the budget sounds much better, the movie before did very well with a smaller budge of 18 million. But this 30 million was not spent well, less appealing to the eye, actor talent lowered, plot and script jumbled and mindless, special effects look cheapened. So what the fuck happened? We’ll have to see.

The tagline for this movie: Destroy All Expectations!
That’s right because if you had high expectations for this movie, you’ll be sorely disappointed. Lower them a little and you might not think it’s that bad.

We start off seeing clips from the first movie to remind us what happened since this is just a few seconds after the first movie ends. Saw Shao Kahn in the end of the first…looked intimidating and you couldn’t wait to see him….but oh fuck, what a let down…you get this guy.

Image

What the fuck? Lame. Fine, whatever just better be badass…but he isn’t.

So we’re back at the sky turning purple and fire and shit coming down…then it’s raining ninjas with lots of bad green screen. As you see, Liu Kang is still the same, Kitana is back and is looking super hot, but who are these are people?

Sonya is different.

Image

(Left Sonya 1, Right Sonya 2) Not as hot in my opinion.

Then you got Johnny Cage.

Image

At least they look fairly similar. But my complaint with the new one comes in very quickly.

But the enemies come in. Motaro, Ermac, Rain, and Sheeva, then Shao Kahn.

But holy fuck, now we see Rayden.

Image

Christopher Lambert is 100% better as Rayden.

But then Shao Kahn talks….overly dramatic and evil. Sounds like a bad guy from the Godzilla movies. Sounding like you have a big voice and lowering it’s pitch makes you evil. Just evil for the sake of being evil.

Sindel shows up now, Kitana’s mother and her first line is one of the worst spoken lines in the history of movies.

“Too bad-You…..will die.”

Rayden and Shao Kahn fight a a bit while using some voice effects straight up taken from the game this movie is based off of. But shit…Johnny Cage is easily killed. God dammit. He was one of my favorite characters and now he’s gone less than 8 minutes into the movie. Character number 1 wasted. The guy who beat up Goro has his neck snapped in less than a minute by Shao Kahn.

The plot is now unfolded, Shao Kahn decided to just show up on Earth, breaking the rules of Mortal Kombat and now it’s up the protagonists stop them. A strange line I found was

“Alone you are vulnerable but together you can do much.”

You can’t do a lot, nothing spectacular…just much. I don’t know I found it wierd. So they all split up in the giant caged roller balls straight out of American Gladiators and ride them inside the earth’s core until the arrive at some random underground temple. But shit, Smoke and 3 ninjas show up. Smoke and Lui Kang fight. Kitana pulls out her bladed fans and fights off the expendable ninjas. Smoke is about to blow up Kitana and Lui Kang with a chest missile but oh my….Sub-Zero shows up and freezes the missle and Smoke blows up.

Sub-Zero was killed in the last movie pointed out by Liu Kang but no way says Ed Boon (screen writer for this movie and writes the plots and scripts for every Mortal Kombat game, movie, animated movie, animated series, and tv series ever made) this is just an excuse to put in Sub Zero again. But oh no….this is Sub-Zero’s brother. How convenient. A Deus ex machina that fails to impress. But Scorpion shows up too. So is this Scorpions uncle? So Scorpion and SubZero’s brother Sub Zero fight it out but Scorpion gets away and takes Kitana which by the way Scorpion never comes back…or Sub Zero after this scene. 2 more characters wasted.

So Sonya goes to get Jax who is unexplainably getting a new change with his metal arms and she somehow new that so thanks for explaining that to the audience.

But now Cyrax shows up and so he and Jax fight. Sonya fights off some more expendable ninjas. We also find that Jax is the new comedy relief who cracks bad jokes and retardedly not funny one liners. Sonya blows a kiss to some unmarked powder that sets Cyrax on fire and kills him.

By the way, Smoke and Cyrax are in this movie….but no Sektor. They’re basically all the same character just different colors. If you’re gonna have 2 of them, why not the other?

So Ermac, Sheeva, and Motaro argue on how many people they can kill. Rain tells Shao Kahn that they have killed Kabal and Stryker an……WAIT WHAT??? You can’t just fucking name drop cool characters and say they’re killed. So fucking lame. Kabal is an awesome character too, he could have provided a lot for the movie but no…he’s dead because we say so. Fuck you John Tobias and Ed Boon. It’s like if Star Wars Episode 7 had a scene and started talking about characters that existed that we knew about and wanted to see but just mention them and never bring them up again.

“Boba Fett actually lived through that ordeal at the Great Pit of Carkoon, but he has since retired, got married and has 2 children.”

You can’t just do that, retardery.

But anyway, Rain is killed just because. Character wasted. Sindel is the new general….why in the fuck was Rain the general in the first place? Seems like a lame choice.

Liu Kang is walking in the desert and fights off a wolf that turns out to be Nightwolf using his animality. Nightwolf has the worst lines in the whole movie, ick. But about less than 3 minutes….Nightwolf is gone and never returns. Another character wasted. So that’s what like 7 now that we’ve wasted? Johnny Cage, Sub Zero 2, Scorpion 2, Kabal, Stryker, Rain, and now Nightwolf. This movie is just full of useless cameos just to make it more interesting I guess but it’s only wasted opportunities and just a waste of time since they serve no real purpose. But now it’s snowing in the desert (makes sense right?) and Jade is now the new appearance in this movie. Hot asian chick but at the time she was a black chick in the game.

So Sonya and Jax are arguing about god knows what but Sonya gets Mileena shows up and fights Sonya in mud no less. Sonya beats Mileena who is now covered in mud Then an unknown huge beast shows up and Jax tries to fight him and beats up quickly. So Mileena…..character number 8 wasted.

Rayden speaks to the elder gods about Shao Kahn’s new plan. Liu Kang, Jade, Jax, and Sonya meet up and somehow Sonya is all clean. Must have given herself a cat bath. Rayden shows up with short hair (because he’s mortal now?)

They’re all gonna take off into the other portal into the outer realm. Which is just a trap apparently. Sindel is waiting for them with 3 Reptile characters…..yes 3 of them. Rayden fights them off as the rest stand there and wait. I’ll be nice and just say Reptile….character number 9 wasted and not count all 3 of them.

Liu Kang reaches Kitana but someone is waiting for him. Holy shit….it’s Baraka. Fucking awesome. Baraka fights Liu Kang but holy shit…there’s 3 Barakas now. Do you really think multiplying characters makes it better? No, it doesn’t. So in less than 3 minutes…..ALL FUCKING 3 BARAKAS ARE DEAD. Character number 10 Baraka….wasted. But uh-oh Sheeva is here and in less than 20 seconds…she is crushed by a cage…..ugh my god, really? She didn’t even get to throw a punch. 11 FUCKING CHARACTERS WASTED!!!!! My dear god, what the fuck are you thinking?!

At this point I’ve given up. Jade betrayed Jax, Sonya, Liu Kang, Rayden, and Kitana.

But now….super secret crazy gasp moment…………..Shao Kahn and Rayden are brothers. Oh my, we only saw that same “plot twist” before about 30 minutes ago. Fucking christ.

Jade didn’t get her trap just right so Shao Kahn kills her, I’ll give her a pass. She lasted for more than 2 scenes. More bickering and then they all walk to the final battle where Shao Kahn kills Rayden.

Final battle is set. Jax vs Motaro, Kitana vs Sindel, Sonya vs Ermac, and of course Liu Kang vs Shao Kahn. In these battles you really get to see how shitty Motaro looks. Just an actor with lots of makeup and hooves on his legs with cgi added for his horse body. It makes him look short. Motaro is supposed to be pretty damn big but he looks a little shorter than Jax when they stand side by side. Ermac grows an extra dude and it’s Noob Saibot. Jax takes out Motaro and assists Sonya to take out Noob Saibot with only 2 punches. Character number 12  wasted. Kitana kills Sindel. Now we see the final dudes to end it all. Which Liu Kang turns into his animality and as does Shao Kahn…..which they look straight up awful. As bad as a Sci-Fy tv movie and their special effects if not a little worse. But that all ends. Liu Kang defeats Shao Kahn in regular fighting without use of powers going to old school Mortal Kombat…..duh. Did you think Shao Kahn would win? Shao Kahn and Rayden’s father is killed by the other elder gods.

Everything is back to normal. Sonya and Jax are alive. Sindel is turned back to normal as a nice lady and becomes a true mother to Kitana. Rayden is brought back to life and takes over his father’s place as an elder god. The End.

Lame, Lame, Lame, Lame, Lame…..and what the fuck…..more Lame. 11 Characters brought in just to be killed or disappear in a matter of a few minutes or even never shown. Special effects are crap. Shit plot with even worse plot twists. It’s like 3 guys were messing around on what the next Mortal Kombat movie should be without taking what they were saying seriously but then turned it into an actual movie. Apparently there’s a new Mortal Kombat in the works….a re-boot of the series. I doubt it will be worth it and will probably die a very quick death but who knows.

Rating: Half A Mortal Kombat Dragon

Time Stopping Quotes:
Sindel: “Too bad-you…..will die.”
Rayden: “Alone you are vulnerable but together you can do much.”

What Did We Learn:
Multiplying the same character doesn’t make it better.
Ed Boon and John Tobias can’t write movies.
Kabal and Kano are the best characters.
Using voice clips from the game this movie is based on in the movie itself just doesn’t work.
Techno is not really ass kicking music.

Lilliputian Size Reviews: Alien 3/Alien (To The 3rd Power)

Image

Alright so, just watched this after many years of procrastinating to see it another time. I’m a big fan of the Aliens franchise (except AVP, they fucked up that shit)

I used to collect the Aliens vs. Predator action figures. I’d still like to go back and get them again, they were awesome. Played the shit out of Alien 3 on Super Nintendo, hard as fuck but kinda fun, not fantastic. Also played Aliens vs. Predator on Super Nintendo, classic beat em up. Played a little Alien Trilogy on Playstation, not as impressed. Just started playing Aliens: Colonel Marines on Xbox 360, super fun and follows the movies pretty well. Our local Laser-X (remember that shit?) had an Alien themed play area. There was a window that showed the area and if you got really close to it, a sensor would go off and a facehugger puppet would jump at the window. Traumatized me. Also had an issue from a of graphic novel series.

Back to the movie at hand. Inferior from Alien and even Aliens. But better than Alien Resurrection.
Visuals are fucking awesome.
Cinematography is great.
Sets and art design are beautiful.
Acting is good.
But story, meh.
Dialogue…eh.
The alien itself….umm, sure why not.

So the one I just watched came out of an Ox (originally you see it come out of a Dog in another versions of the movie, which makes more sense because of the physical similarities) but whatever, it runs on all fours. The survivors from the last movie (Ripley, Newt, Cpl. Hicks, and the upper half of Bishop) are in the escape pod from their ship, crash land on a planet with just 25 life sentence prisoners, 1 warden, and his lackey (nicknamed 85 because that’s his IQ). Unfortunately Ripley is the only one left, the others didn’t make it.
The prisoners are now born again christians and find her appearance to be a bad thing since they are all former killers and rapists and feel that her being there will challenge their faith and fall into the hands of sin.
A few deaths lead to them all working together, no weapons besides some knives and axes. So they use their creativity to kill it. Eventually it gets done but Ripley has been impregnated which is my big quarrel with this movie.
During the climax of Aliens the only alien that got onto the Solaco ship was the queen. She was injected into space and that was it. No other alien was aboard, they even went on a smaller ship that left the Solaco. The only way for her to be impregnated is for their to be facehuggers on the ship. They only come from eggs that are left by the queen in her hive. Her hive was blown to bits in the previous movie. So no eggs available. They didn’t even find the dead husk of a face hugger on the escape pod. So what the fuck? Makes no sense, it’s not like they couldn’t have figured something out to fill that plot hole. Not only that, remember the ox AKA dog? There had to have been 2 aliens aboard. Sorry, I don’t buy this anymore. So that’s my big gripe with this movie otherwise like I said, well done.
It’s the last good Alien movie, Alien Resurrection not so much.

Rating: 3.25 Doggy Aliens