Lilliputian Size Review: The Raid: Redemption

Image

Lets start with a mutha fuckin’ bang. I personally feel…this movie is the best action movie I have ever seen. I have seen some kick ass action movies but this movie kicked them all in the legs, snapped their elbow, stabbed them in the shoulder and shot them 3 times in the face.
It reminds me of the ending battles to Game of Death…but obviously modernized. If you haven’t seen Game of Death, please do. But the confrontation in the end of that is Bruce Lee’s character needs to go into a pagoda restaurant and on the upper floors are traps laid out for him and he must fight his way up to get to the man he wants.
In The Raid, a group SWAT team is going into a 15 story apartment that is mostly filled with drug addicts, criminals, and just all around menaces to society to capture the leader. The leader in control of this building is a huge underground criminal mastermind who orders his tenants to destroy the SWAT team invading their leaders building…and let the chaos begin.
Firefights to the max and fast paced hand to hand combat is pretty much the rest. But it never gets old and things are getting more intense almost every minute. Every step closer, the levels get more difficult.
The film is done so well. The action is insane and over the top but not exactly so much that isn’t possible. It’s filmed a lot better than the modern North American action movie, where the fight scenes are extreme close ups and every punch landed the camera cuts. Not this one, choreographed fighting and you can see every second of it without feeling nauseous.
Mad Dog is my favorite character. He’s tiny, scrawny, and just scraggley. But he will kick your ass to the death without using a weapon. He has 2 incredible fight scenes and is just so fast and quick minded with his fists and legs that it seems impossible for you to take him down. His strength is lacking…but his stamina, speed, and will to kill more than makes up for it. If I had anyone to back me up in a fight, I choose him. Not Brock Lesnar, not the Hell’s Angels, not the Van Buren Boys, not even Chuck Norris….Mad Dog is my backup and I wouldn’t even have to help. Just watch him kick your asses and wait for you to apologize for cutting in front of me in the lunch line. Dick!

Rating: 5 Mad Dogs (which equal 10 Chuck Norris’…suck on that)

Advertisements

Lilliputian Size Reviews: Spring Breakers

Image

I’m gonna start off by saying…I like Harmony Korine. Kids, Gummo, and Trash Humpers I’m a fan of (especially Gummo). But I didn’t dig this too much. Slow moving, repetitive, and showing tits and ass to show well….tits and ass. But hey that’s fine, there were a lot of nice butts and boobs. But it was like ok, lets go on to plot now please. I swear the line “Spring break, spring break, spring break forever” was repeated at least 30 times.
James Franco was the guy that made this movie somewhat worth it to me. His grimy little character (Al-ien) was funny to watch and was just so ridiculously slimy but you couldn’t help but laugh. A combination of just him and that his character was funny.

“Look at all my SHIT!!”

It was filmed well, effects were cool, I’m a fan of film noir style colored lights. Makes it seem comic book like. But the story and plot were just too slow and I got bored easily just waiting for something to happen. The ending wasn’t awful…but it was rushed it seemed like.
I kind of wondered sometimes (day dreaming really) that what would I be doing in these crazy parties at South Florida during a college spring break. Would I be getting some poon? Maybe. How shy would I be? Not sure. Probably would break out of my shell fairly quickly. I’m a competitive guy, wanna do something crazy? I’ll show you a crazy mothafucka (cause I’m the shit, yo). Well…I guess the question is…does it make you wanna go on spring break?
Not really, well…….maybe? Who knows. But probably not….but let’s not rule it out. I doubt it though.

Rating: 2-AND-A-HALF Vanessa Hudgens’ss (which half?)

Lilliputian Size Reviews: Chernobyl Diaries

Image

I must say to start off the idea of a horror movie based in Chernobyl has a ton of potential but of course, a good idea given to people holding a camera who have no new ideas of their own never ends well. The creepiness factor is at a high due to the unknown assailants whom you never really see or very very little of (which is better than just flat out showing them and each of them having personalities and individual agendas which has become a horror cliche of it’s own). So this film went back to basics and just not really showing you who is trying to get these people which makes the horror factor go up on the scare scale. If you know the history and have seen pictures of Chernobyl, it is quite a creepy place with traumatic history. But the plot surrounds some jackass and his little brother visiting there for fun with 2 lady friends, an expendable couple, and their “experienced” tour guide. Obviously knowing any horror movie…that’s a mistake. So blame everything on the older brother throughout the movie whenever you’re getting frustrated with typical movie victim stupidity and just where they end up. The story and characters are one dimensional but like I said the creepiness factor is high. The film is very dark (no, not because it’s a horror movie) but because it’s hard to see a lot of the time once they arrive to their designated area. This is one of those movies where you cannot dissect it too much, just watch it and try to enjoy it for what it is (an unintelligible horror movie cliche). I tell you this because the ending is very anti-climactic with no answer other than being a twist(?) just for the sake of being a twist(?). So enjoy the creepy atmosphere, darkly unknown assailants, and tension build but attempt to sit through just another horror movie that means nothing to horror history and is nothing special all around.

Rating: 2 Dead Russian Tour Guides

Lilliputian Size Reviews: Slaughtered Vomit Dolls

Image

I’ve seen some crazy movies. But this had moments of deranged behavior, and gross moments. But I personally found it hard to watch in a different way than most people’s usual complaint of horrid acts on screen. I depict it as ‘BORING AS HELL’. I like this kind of stuff…but the images went WAY to fast to comprehend what you even saw and then by the time you know what it was…but there were 14 more shots you’ve missed due to thinking about the one. Even films like Gummo and Trash Humpers (Like random shots and disturbing images? Those are for you) have a certain plot or story. It may be small, but it’s something. This was random shot, after random shot, and what do you know…another random shot. Even the more horrifying shots get old. Some lasting half a second, some lasting 30 seconds. But it doesn’t stop, until you see her as a child walking away on an old VHS Camera. I wanted parts to just move on, but they kept going and going. Back and forth, back and forth. It’s ok sometimes to do that, but let people get what they are seeing first before you switch. Being so redundant that it becomes VERY QUICKLY unappealing to the eye and brain. You get lost easily (not the good kind of lost), your mind can’t keep up and then you are frustrated and want to turn it off. The gore effects and some shots are well constructed. But the editing, audio was put together randomly without truly thinking about it and THAT’S what drove me nuts. Overall, if the description would follow the actual film…it would probably be an underground horror favorite. But it is portrayed so horribly that it just is not worth another watch.

Rating: 1 Vomit Doll

Wizard of As: Warriors of the Wasteland Review

Image

The electro tapping of of the musical keyboard leads you into a full frenzied adrenaline rush for the ages…well not really. It lets you know you’re watching a movie from the 80’s and it’s gonna be a bumpy ride. As I also I notice that almost every crew member for this film has a name that ends in an ‘I’ or an ‘O’ so I’m supposing a lot of rigatoni was on the catering table.Placing in 2019 AD…after the nuclear halocaust . Folks checking a radio to find a signal that some feel don’t exist.

The entire local group we begin with has the their town set in a circle of cars. Gremlins, Pintos, Mercury Lynx’s you know, what was cool at the time. Like somehow we didn’t evolve cars between 1983 and 2019. Oh but wait. A group of maniacal badasses with souped up golf carts live beyond the others with the giant impaling spikes in the front grills, lawnmower blades the swerve on the sides, dirt bikes but not to mention the hair styles of the future.

Razored goatees and cinnamon bun craniums. Wearing outfits with oversized shoulder pads that make stormtrooper outfits seem confident & dignified. The Templars as they are called, circle this group of wastelanders like a tribe of indians surrounding a gang of old settlers in their covered wagons.

The guns have apparently evolved nicely with the old fashioned rifles with laser sounds that 5 year olds would make when playing cops and robbers. “Pew Pew Pew, Pow Pow Pow.” But when shot in the face, just some minor redness and irritation. Like you just injected the russian crocodile drug with instant physical results. Grenades with oversized dynamite fuses. Oh yeah did I mention the carts have cannons and flame throwers?

10 minutes in…decapitation for the first time with no spurting blood or really…any blood. Clean hit.

The Templars tear a book of the Jerusalem Bible which books apparently started the whole apocalypse? Really? Not atomic energy or radiation? Ya know, like Little Boy and Fat Man? Civilization is what these wastelanders cannot find but of course, they never tried looking so they just assume it doesn’t exist. If you can’t see it…it doesn’t exist is the Templars ideology.

Men in ape costumes search the wreckage of this once sort of proud community for….umm…..I don’t know. Why are they there? But a car approaches, with a half spherical glowing, sunroof. A skull is shown in the front fender, which you will be reminded it’s there quite often. The driver is the savior of hope. Kills the monkey suited thugs and finds a survivor which somehow the thugs did not. The survivor talks about how there is not reason for living anymore, existence is useless more emo mumbo jumbo. Survivor is asking to be killed…the savior humors him and shoots him, but he misses and leaves him there to rot for being so damn negative about existence.

He arrives at a spot, suddenly gets shot at by an unknown assailant with metal balls from a slingshot. Turns out it’s a little kid fixes cars and they’re friends…they were just playing. What if the kid was killed? You’d have no friends to help tune up your car but most of all your only playmate is dead because you horse around too rough. The kids also dresses like Amelia Arheart for whatever reason as well. The kid finds an ear in the radiator, so the future is just a recall to Blue Velvet.

Cut to The Templars chasing an armored ice cream truck for bomb pops and creamcicles. The flamethrower ignites inside of the vehicle and a woman jumps out, then the driver who gets impaled in the crotch, nice dude…real nice. I know it’s the apocalypse but there are some places you don’t kill a man. The Templars catch a woman with a net and drag her around behind the running car. The savior shoots the net and the woman is let go. We find that the savior is named Scorpion. He chit chats with the Templars and leaves with the chick. Such a dirty face, but she takes off her goggles and it turns out it’s just a 5 ‘o clock shadow (this movie is from Italy after all.)

To ease the upcoming sexual tension, Scorpion puts on some music in from a small cube attached to the radio (iCube?).

One, of the king of the Templars doesn’t want Scorpion dead unless he gets his pride and soul.

Fred Williamson shows up (I bet he’s proud of this movie).

But anyway, this woman finds out Scorpion wants to help her and not take advantage of her womanness. She is pretty good looking I must say, but she’s pretty easy to get into a clear, blow up tent and make love to. Since Scorpion just happens to own one and gets her to lay down naked by the fire.

Mako is a hungry killer for the Templars and just wants to kill everyone and take over. He attempts to kill scorpion himself with a few lackeys to assist. But are quickly laid out with the help of Nadir’s (Fred Williamson) exploding arrows. Scorpion kills Mako with his own vehicle. Apparently Scorpion is a one man show, doesn’t want help from anyone.

Mako has indeed a dignified funeral lying on a metal hammock wearing nothing but a studded codpiece.

More small civilizations are shown purely made of shiny metal, cars, and scraps. The Mayor is dressed as Clint Eastwood from A Fistful of Dollars. The people of this village are christians. Because after the apocalypse people still believe that god will show up eventually.

So the Templars FINALLY start looking for Scorpion after the king One has wished that they take their time so they can torture him instead of just kill him. If you’re a bad guy…you gotta have shitty plans with holes the size of the ozone layer.

Nadir happens to find the only other black woman in the world. Lucky him, she flirts poorly though. All she has to point out is Nadir is a “healthy guy”. Nadir is gonna stay around and get laid and let Scorpion go on his own, they’ll catch up later because Nadir always finds Scorpion anyway.

The Templars finally catch Scorpion after many deaths and time wasted. They BDSM Scorpion down and One rapes Scorpion. If he isn’t, it really looks like it…they edited it to look so. Don’t know if it was intentional or unintentional. So they leave Scorpion there chained up and still alive so he could just get away like usual (did the Templars watch any James Bond movies?) 3 remaining Templars stay with Scorpion for dragging him behind a car but Nadir is not far behind watch their every move. Exploding arrows take care of it. So now Scorpion is safe with Nadir but the town where they left the woman is under attack.

They’re back with the little blonde greasemonkey. Nadir is healing Scorpion and letting him know he needs help and not to be such a selfish dickhead.

The Templars line up the remaining villagers for a slaughter. The squad of black guy, dickhead, and blonde boy are getting ready for a battle with a huge van full of spinning wheels and other flashy nonsense. Even a rear windshield that has immunity to explosives which the little boy enjoys so much it makes him giggle like a small toddler.

One listens to boring poetry which explains his poor choice of language and performance of speaking.

Scorpion has always been powerful and very dangerous but since he was raped he lost his skills of killing.

A trap of a car being driven by dead Templars shows that the battle for apocalyptic land supremacy has begun.

Shadow finally sees a figure behind the fire, it is our hero the selfish dickhead. One decides to chit chat instead of killing and just get this matter over with. A standoff is held, everyone watching in tepid suspense. One shoots twice and hits Scorpion both times, but huzzah!!! Scorpion wears bubble tupperware armor. Shots fired between Templars and Scorpions helpers while Shadow shoots 3 villagers, but Scorpion shoots Shadow so that’s over anyway. Battle rages on between the Templars and black guy and little blonde boy and eventually they defeat the remaining members of the Stormtrooper rejects. A chase scene between Scorpion and One is on…One is easily defeated with a huge spinning drill from behind, crashing into a canyon wall and exploding off into film obscurity.

So in the end, Nadir gets black chick, Scorpion gets italian girl and adopting the blonde kid. They all live happily after until the toxic radiation that fills the land takes their toll on everyone and they all die from multiple sicknesses.

Time Stopping Quote:
One (King of the Templars): “The world is dead…it raped itself.”

What Did We Learn From This:

  • In the future, Ford makes optional car accessories that can massacre thousands.
  • The Road Warrior storyline happened in Italy too, just wasn’t as interesting or memorable.
  • Electro music isn’t as cool as it sounded in the 80’s.
  • Green glowing tents are beloved by many italian women
  • Black guy + black chick = fucking